Daughter of the Nile

Relaxing...somewhat

2004-10-13T13:34:00.000-08:00

So now that I've survived midterms, this week is all smooth sailing. It feels nice to relax a bit. I deserve to ride the calm waters for awhile. Life is good. I'm still sniffling but other than that, the worst of my sickness has passed. Joy!

I am looking forward to my EoW class tonight. We are learning (for me, reviewing) Elements and learning how to work with the devas. This should be interesting. I am growing fond of the group and am saddened that the 9 week course is coming to an end. It really has been a fantastic journey, and though it may end with the lovely bunch of women (and man), will ultimately keep on going. The road stretches ever onward. Wow...that doesn't make any sense. Ah well. Anywho.
Still waiting to hear about a certain proposal that will be an interesting turn in my path...we'll see what happens, as always.

Pagan Club is getting interesting. We are preparing for our Samhain rite for which I am Circle Leader. Steph wrote an amazing rite and I look forward to bringing the club together in circle. I am very pleased with the way things are going this semester with Pagan Club. Everyone is extremely interested in what we cover and all are benefitting from the energy work we've introduced. However, as always, there are some concerns. We've covered ethics and still, there are some who don't quite seem to understand. Granted, that person does not attend meetings....but still. You'd think a fam-trad Wiccan would already know. I dunno...I don't really approve with some of the things she does. It's like she wants to show-off sometimes...Steph and I are keeping a close eye on what goes on in the club room. If it gets out of hand, then we'll have to step up. This certain someone has shown people how to "create" elementals. I didn't even know this was possible. I knew that each of the elements have creature spirits associated with them...sylphs, gnomes, salamanders, and undines....I know we can work with the energies/spirits/creatures of each element....so when people started talking about "creating" elementals and "playing" with them...I was a little concerned. I did a bit of research and sure enough, there are 2 types of elementals: those of the elements themselves, and those created from a person's thoughts. Some of the club members are experimenting with the latter. I guess it is alright, but still, there are always ethics involved. I'm sorry, but when I heard about one person using her dragons to break into other people's shields for fun...or this person "overcharging" another member with her energy and making him cry.....this is NOT COOL. Ethics, people! You should KNOW what is RIGHT and WRONG! Magic and energy are not to be taken lightly. It is not a game....with great power comes great responsibility. It saddens me knowing that someone people don't seem to understand this simple concept. Sometimes I wonder if Steph and I should even be teaching people the things we teach them. But then I remember...we teach them things to help them connect with divinity and better understand themselves....what they do with the knowledge is up to them...they will have to make their mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Fine. But if the situation gets out of hand, I will have to step in and do something before people get hurt. *sigh*

On a better note, my experiences with Pagan Club see to help me with CMS-L1. L1 seems to be going well. Last class (not this past week because I was away), was enjoyable. Our students ideas are awesome and I really enjoyed the singing/chanting part of class. I am looking forward to another interesting class this weekend.

Lastly...L2 homework is not getting anywhere. I have quite a number of things to do still and I wonder if I will be able to have everything in by Jan 1. School school is taking up A LOT of my time...GRR. This is really frustrating. I always seem to get into these CMS crises. I want to continue. That is certain. However there's the time factor. If I don't have time now, will I ever have time later? I see life getting even busier. I know I will have to make sacrifices...but sacrifice what? I'll have to meditate on this further...

I survived

2004-10-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

I made it through midterms this week. Despite the fact I had slept more than I studied, I think I fared alright. Stupid sickness. Ah well...it's over and I can rest easy for a little while. We're half way done the semester. Time is flying!

I'm off to Toronto for the weekend. Happy Canadian Thanksgiving to all and have a great class WW!

Been sick...bleh!

2004-10-07T00:06:00.000-08:00

Been sick since Monday...fever..head cold...the usual ickiness. Bleh! It's midterms this week...my heads all mucked up and I can't concentrate. My result should be interesting....

On a good note, my spiritual path has taken an interesting turn. We'll see what happens.

Raccoon and Snake

2004-09-30T04:56:00.000-08:00

Raccoon's Wisdom Includes:

Understanding the nature of masks
Disguise
Dexterity
Seeking guidance and confidence
Questioning without fear
Balancing curiosity

Snake/Serpent's Wisdom Includes:

Messenger of the Rainbow Serpent
Elusiveness
Manipulates lightning
Transmutation
Exploration of the mysteries of life
Primitive or elemental energy
Protection from religious persecution
Goddess energy
Psychic energy
Creative power
Immortality
Connection to or forms the magic cord by which the shaman travels to the soul world

_____________

I believe the Snake was Isis making herself known to me. The Raccoon was most curious. I am going to consult Animal-Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great & Small by Ted Andrews. Perhaps Raccoon's lessons will be better known. At this point, I am unsure.

My journey...

2004-09-30T04:43:00.000-08:00

Last night in my EoW class, we journeyed to the astral and met our guides. I had a rather interesting experience. When I came up out of the underground passage I found myself in an endless field of flowers that stretched out all around me as far as the eye can see. I turned and saw an elderly woman dressed in a blue Middle Eastern or Indian dress and flowing veil draped over her head. I asked if she was my guide. She smiled and motioned me to continue walking through the field. I saw the guide I am most familiar with and we exchanged a few words. I already know he is my guide but he told me to keep walking because he said I have other guides as well. So I thanked him and continued walking. The next person I encountered was a dancing woman in the same type of attire as the elder woman but in red and she stopped her joyful, seductive dance to listen to me. I ask if she was my guide and she silently motioned for me to continue. On my journey I encountered a little blond-haired girl with a flower crown, Rabbit hopped by my feet and then another person (I don't remember what she looked like) stopped me and motioned for me to gaze into a small pool. I stared at my own reflection for awhile and then looked up as a raccoon approached me and climbed into my lap.; It lifted it's paw and touched my cheek and just kinda sat there for awhile. Shortly after, I saw a brief image of a rearing cobra and then I was walking again. I saw another dancing woman but dressed in white. She stopped and I felt like she was the one. However, I did not get to speak with her because I was whisked back to reality.

I find it interesting that the women (save the young girl) were all dressed in saris and beautiful veils. Most of them danced and I even found myself dancing and prancing through the field. This may have something to do with my new interest in bellydance. I think it may be an affirmation of the path I have chosen. I will also look up the associations for Raccoon and Snake. I am curious to know what they mean.

All in all, a wonderful class full of meditation, visualization and healing. We learned about different healing methods and Meri demonstrated psychic first aid on me. I left the class feeling incredibly grounded and extremely comfortable with myself and the group I am working with.

Mysteries of Isis...

2004-09-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I was compelled to pick up Mysteries of Isis again by Traci de Regula. Isis seems to be calling me home and today I finally answered. I've been thinking about bellydancing all week and how it makes me feel so wonderful. I've been thinking of how I can incorporate dance into my spiritual practice because when I dance I truly feel like I am connecting with the Divine. So I pulled Mysteries off my shelf and flipped through it on the bus on my way to school this morning. As it turns out, there's a whole chapter on bellydance and dance in general ("Isis the Dancing Goddess"). "Isis...was a belly dancer." No way. I don't know why this didn't occur to me. Of course She was. It's funny how I'm suddenly drawn to the sacred dance. Coincidence? Nope. Isis is trying to tell me something.

As I flipped through the other chapters, I found myself finding the answers to numerous questions I have. Namely, I wondered if my close relationship with Isis, Artemis, and Odin (Freya sometimes as well) generates wonky energy. I was never sure whether or not the three deities I chose (or who have chosen me) actually work well together. As it turns out, they do. There's a whole chapter called "Isis and Other Deities" that talks about how Isis's energy can work with the energy of other deities.

Isis and Artemis are connected because of their lunar aspect and it said they are both considered aspects of the same divinity. There were many temples and shrines dedicated to both Artemis and Isis. See, I never thought of Isis as a lunar deity just because when I think of the Egyptian pantheon, I automatically think of Thoth as lunar god. Now I reminded that Isis is the Lady of a Thousand Names and that some of Her names connect her with the moon (Goddess=moon, duh!).

Isis and Odin are connected because they are both deities of wisdom and even war. I'm not quite sure how Isis is connected to war, but She apparently she is. I'm guessing it has something to do with Her dark aspect.

Isis and Freya are connected because both are goddesses of love and sensuality. Both are associated with felines and both are connected to the Dead.

Artemis and Odin are both warriors and Odin and Freya...well...they're married. :) So it all works out! I always thought the energy was fine. It was a discussion in one of my classes about wonky deity combinations that got me questioning. Guess I shouldn't doubt myself.

What else...well, I just look through the book and am reminded of why Isis resonates so deeply. I examine Her associations and remember why She and I connect so well. I can relate to Her and I look up to Her. Sea Goddess, Lunar Goddess, Healing Goddess, Mother Goddess, Goddess of Love....She is everything. She is me.

Gee...I love these revelations. :)

Bellydancing: THE coolest thing I have EVER done!

2004-09-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

Today was my first bellydancing class and it was AWESOME! I was giddy before and I am still giddy after. What an amazing experience! The instructor kept telling us we were Princesses....but I saw myself as the dancing, sensual Goddess. I felt graceful and sensual, creative and beautiful. Not only was it a great execrise, but it was also a profound spiritual experience. As I watched myself in the mirror, I smiled inwardly. Who is that beautiful woman? It was the Goddess shining through from within. As I went through the movements, I was reminded of the Snake Goddess. I let go and let my body move with the music. It felt so...natural....like I've done it so many times before. First class and I am already hooked. :)

In other news, last night's EoW class was great. We did lots of energy work. Honestly, I am improving. Between Pagan Club, CMS, and EoW, I can see myself getting better with practice. Last night, I actually started to see aura colors. I am able to see faint outlines of auras when I am relaxed. Last night, I started to see Meri's aura as glowing white light and then I saw blue/purple! It was so cool! My energy balls are getting stronger and I am starting to get better at sensing energy. Yay me!

Life's great. No real complaints. It's amazing to see how much my life has turned around. This time last year, I was at my all time low. And now look at me!

New Color scheme....

2004-09-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

I decided I wanted to change my blog up a bit so I re-did the color scheme. I think it looks kinda nifty.

Facing fears...

2004-09-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

Last night I faced my fears in meditation and I prevailed. I forced myself to stand strong as the dark, cloaked Shadow approached me. I was really nervous and fought hard not to run away. The empty darkness under the hood frightened me and I felt my insides shaking. But I stood my ground-- even when the figure pulled its hood back to reveal myself. My fears took on the form of myself and she taunted me...she put me down with things I often tell myself without even realizing. She wanted me to give in and accept my fears. I stood my ground as she circled me, even though I was afraid. We ended up wrestling for she tried to intimidate me. She put up a good fight and so did I. In the end, she dissipate when I finally put my foot down. I decided that I was no longer going to be fearful...I let go of my insecurities. I know she will always be there...but now I know what to do when I see her. I must confront her -- my Shadow. I can learn from her.

When the air cleared, my spirit guide was there to congratulate me. He then pointed into the distance at an ancient, gnarly tree. There was a dark opening. He told me that through the opening lies the path to the upper and lower worlds. I can now explore if I want to. I faced my fears and feel ready to take the next step. I didn't explore right then and there. There will be plenty of time for that. But at least I know that the passage is there if I want to take it.

___

Today, I did a quick meditation to speak with my guide again. I needed to hear from him words that my heart was already telling me. I'm stubborn that way I guess. A friend is hurting....he is mourning the death of a friend and it kills me to feel his pain. I can feel it through the computer screen. I just want to take it away...and I can't. I offered myself as a listener and I sent healing energies. That's all I really can do. He will come to me when he is ready. I know this...and yet I was still frustrated. And so a quick journey to the astral allowed me to hear the words from my guide. It was reassuring. Still...

Elements of Wicca

2004-09-17T20:32:00.000-08:00

This week marked the second of a nine week intro to Wicca course. It is taught by Meri and Ronin and is absolutely fantastic. Much of the things we learn during the weekly 2-hour class is stuff I have already learned before, but I really don't care. It's always nice to review and get another person's opinion. Honestly, on this path, you take some and you leave some. I am particularly interested in the energy work we get to do. It will be good practice for me before I start level 3 (assuming I finish the level 2 work). The 11 other women taking the class are all friendly and overall, it seems we make an interesting group. Both Meri and Ronin are approachable and very helpful. Ronin has already helped me understand meditation and things of the astral. I feel my confidence returning and the doors I thought were closed see to be opening.

Meri and Ronin tell us that at the end of the course, we will know whether or not Wicca is the path for us. I already know. For awhile, I wondered if my path was Wiccan. I really felt like it was but certain insecurities led me to call myself "Pagan" instead of "Wiccan". I was afraid that people would label me "Fluffy Bunny Wiccan" or "Wiccan Wannabe" because a) I'm young and rather inexperienced, and b) I have not been formally trained by a lineaged Wiccan nor have I been initiated into a coven. I have had arguments with some people over the legitimacy of calling oneself "Wiccan". I've been told I can't be Wiccan and it frustrates me. Why? Because I believe you are or you aren't, and I don't believe it depends on being trained by a lineaged Wiccan. The Wiccan beliefs are my own. I like to believe this is enough to call myself Wiccan. Is a Jew not Jewish if his/her parents aren't Jewish? I don't think so. Religion should be personal. In my case, it is. Therefore, I should be allowed to follow whatever religion I choose. Right? Right.

A conversation with Ronin has returned my attention to good ol' Rabbit and the Shadow entity of my meditations. It's time to confront my Shadow. I now know what I have to do. This is my test. I have to face my Fears for they are preventing me from continuing on my path. I am tired of this cycle. What I fear is always coming back to teach me a lesson. I have the power to break the cycle if I have the courage. This means no more insecurities, no more doubt. No more fear of failure and no more perfectionism. I have to take back my strength and restore balance in my life. The time is now. This is my time. Go me!

Update

2004-09-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

Life's been crazy. I'm a Type A....filling my schedule with lots of things to distract myself. Don't know if it's a good thing...but I am happy that I am accomplishing things.

School's alright. It's going to be an interesting semester. Lots of work to do...lots of room for creativity. I'll get through it. I always do. I just have to tame the competitive, insecure part of me. I am good at what I do. I am going to continue on this graphic design path and I will do great things.

CMS has started again. We have a great class this semester. Brilliant, talkative students, great program, fun group of teachers. I'm excited. As for L2...I'm slowly getting through the homework...I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to finish. I really want to...but this busy schedule...ack....I guess I'll go with the flow and see where it takes me. Maybe it's a sign....whatever the case, I'm going to enjoy being a TA...and I'm going to enjoy taking a few of the 2A classes I missed.

I started Meri and Ronin's Elements of Wicca class. By the end of it, I will know whether or not Wicca is the path for me. Last Wednesday was our first class and it was great. Great group of people and fun teachers. We're going to start energy work this Wednesday. Good! I need the practice.

And speaking of energy work, I'm the VP of the Abbott Pagan Club this semester and we've started the meetings. We have a good group of students. Since switching meetings to Tuesdays instead of Wednesdays, lots of the Anie club members can now attend our meetings. So Steph and I are going full throttle with our schedule. it's going to be great. So last week we taught them to center and ground and work with energy. It was great to hear their reactions. They were all so surprised and excited that they can work with their own energy. It felt really good to help them connect with themselves and the earth. I know I am on the right path. It feels good when people come to me with questions and problems and I can help.

Which leads me to my next bit of news. I met this guy online in one of my RPGs...I swear, he's the male version of me. It's absolutely insane. We have SO much in common.....it's really freaky. So anyways....the guy lives in a haunted house next to a cemetery in NB. His little bro has seen a young girl crying and speaks with her frequently. Anyways...he sees her too and it freaks him out. Tonight he had another encounter and he was on MSN with me. I trusted my instincts and talked him through centering and grounding to help calm him down and focus. In the end..well...he's quite amazed and thankful. And I...well...I feel pretty good. So self assessement of my little "counselling" session:

What went well:
-I made sure to maintain contact with him. I kept telling him I'm here and to made sure he responded.
-This allowed me to maintain a level of trust

What needs improvement:
-Mode of communication. MSN isn't the easiest way to communicate. Especially when you're trying to talk someone through his fear.
-Too little time to explain what's going on....this couldn't really be helped. It just happened. I asked him if he trusted me and if he wanted to try something that may seem a little strange...I then proceeded to walk him through the steps. If he didn't trust me then it wouldn't have worked. There's a lot of theory involved when dealing with energy, centering, grounding, and shielding..and with spirits as well.

Lastly, I am starting bellydancing in 2 weeks and am PSYCHED! I am also trying to keep up with my exercise...pilates for gym class twice a week...jogging...and a ballet workout I've started to do that's absolutely awesome!!

So life is busy. Life is good. I am generally happy. And I'll try to post more often.

2004-08-25T14:01:00.000-08:00

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What I want in life (spiritually)

2004-08-24T18:42:00.000-08:00

From a helpful conversation with a certain Wolf.

- Be more conscious of myself and those around me
- Be more conscious of the energies.
- Connect with nature
- Live a physically, spiritually, emotionally balanced life
- Accept and acknowledging both the light and the dark
- Be comfortable with who I am
- Stop dreaming and live the dream
- Be happy!

And turn all of that into a practice that screams "MIAKA"

Life Goals:

- Work in a field that allows me to let loose my creativity
- Live a spiritually fulfilling life
- Help others by teaching...guiding...
- Someday marry
- Someday have children

Hmm...it's a start. Now that I have goals...time to try and find a way to meet these goals. Slow and steady.

And here we go again...

2004-08-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

I need to vent. My insecurity is spoiling life and I don't know how to change.
Ack! There's so much to say and I don't even know where to start. Please bear with me. I've just had a "moment" and am trying to write down all that comes to mind. What I speak of involves my spirituality (as always) and my endless quest to find myself. Just when I think I know what I am doing, I end up realizing something feels wrong and I start to question. My doubt turns to confusion and thus my mention of "crossroads". Where am I going? How can I tell if i am on the right path?

Why does this all come up AGAIN? Well...CMS is starting again and I am not taking classes. I am struggling to finish Level 2 before Level 3 starts and I am wondering what I am doing and if I should be continuing. Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for any of this. Sometimes I think I'm just *trying* to be someone I will never be. Sometimes? Wait...generally. As time goes on, I am beginning to believe it is true. I am trying so hard to live in the way that I want, but in the end I just look like a "fluffy bunny". I hate that. I don't want to be a "poser". I want to be me. Deep down, I know I am "Pagan". I believe in the two opposite but complementing energies often referred to as the God and the Goddess; my spirit is stirred by the forces of nature; I believe in karma and the Rede...There's the person I want to be and the person that I am. I know I am changing. I can see my progress. Change is slow and I am impatient. I know this. It's just...am I forcing something that's never going to happen? Because if I am...maybe I should stop.

I've agreed to give the John Abbott Pagan Club a go again. Quite frankly, I'm a little unsure. Being a TA for CMS was simply an amazing experience. It felt so good to help teach others of our path and what I learned from that experience could definitely help me with the Pagan Club. However, being in such a position of leadership, people look to me for advice. They look to me for answers. I don't think I can give it to them. I am inexperienced. My energy work is horrid and I am always confused about my path. How can I help others on their paths if I am stumbling on my own? In fact, I am starting to think it's a better idea if I didn't be a TA for CMS. There are many students (especially some of the current level 4s) who are much more qualified to do the job. Argh...

Spiritual identity crisis...

And another semester starts....

2004-08-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

Just got back from an amazing 10 days of vacation in sunny North Carolina and am diving right back into school.

Our trip was amazing. We had to delay our arrival by one day because of hurricane Charley, but after that, the week was hot, sunny, and the ocean absolutely amazing. The weather was awesome and my siblings and I spent the week basking in the glorious sun and boogy boarding on the rolling waves. It was a much needed brea from work before the semester starts.

Today was my first day. I had two classes: Advanced Web Design and Graphic Design. It's going to be an interesting 2nd year. So much to do...so much crative freedom...and I can already feel the ever-competitive side of me coming through. I'm going to do so much out-of-class work...my portfolio is going to be kick-ass. I have a feeling it's going to be another great year. It'll also be a highly stressful year. I'm so ambitious...I put so much pressure on myself. I really have to learn to deal with it this semester. I'm going to have to work hard to live a well-balanced, productive semester. I have 7 classes at Abbott...planning on taking Mandarin at night at Vanier on Thursdays, taking Meri Fowler's Elements of Wicca course all throughout September....I may be a TA for CMS level 1 on Saturdays...and I will be working twice a week. I also want to fit in yoga classes somewhere in there...whew. Trying to satisfy all aspects of me....physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional.....It's going to be interesting indeed.

Gah...and once again, I feel like I am at a crossroad in my spirituality....confused as usual. Crossroad...but I don't know what either road leads to. Something doesn't feel right. I know what I want, but am unsure of how I am going to get to where I want to go. I hate being confused and direction-less. I hope I figure soething out soon. I'd hate to lose my "spirituality as therapy" this semester when things get crazy.

Can't wait till vacation...

2004-08-06T14:58:00.000-08:00

I've been working lots of 3-11 shifts....working a lot this summer. I feel very tired. I can't wait till next Friday when my family leaves for the ebach for 10 days before school starts again. Exciting stuff. Just thinking of lounging on the beach is keeping me going. After today, I work 6 days straight. Fun.

Today I got my hair cut again, finally renewed my learner's permit, re-arranged and cleaned my room and am now relaxing a bit before I go out tonight. Going to celebrate an early birthday. ^^ 21 years this year. Wooha! I'm still here! Hear me roar!

I hate being a friendly person....

2004-07-30T19:37:00.000-08:00

GAH! Why can't I make friends?

I feel different....I'm not like a lot of people. I can't seem to connect with people. I look for depth...and I rarely find it. All my life, I've been a better friend to others than they have been to me. I've lived to help others...support others when they needed me. I was always there for others. But when I needed people, I didn't always get the same support in return. And so friends have come and gone. I have many acquaintances...people I get along with and have fun with....but I am severely lacking people I can truly trust and connect with. It's always been that way. And I hate it!

For some reason, I can't seem to get along with many girls my age....not the same priorities I guess. I have girl friends...but they're more like acquaintances. So I've always seemed to get along better with guys. We joke, have fun, talk about fun things....but as soon as I meet a decent guy that I seem to get along with....things go wrong. I'm outgoing and fun when I feel comfortable and the guys I hang out with always get the wrong idea and end up falling for me....and then I get scared and pull away and I end up turning into this ice princess. Always happens to me...it's no fun...and certainly not fair for the guy. But it's happened....3-4 times in the past couple of months and I feel horrible. I hate rejecting guys....and then things get awkward..and I lose the friendship.

My co-worker asked me out tonight after we've hung out a couple of times. He's a great guy, fun, and we share the same interests. I was happy I found someone I could *really* talk to. All my other co-workers have been teasing me about him...they wanna know what's the scoop with us to which I reply that we're just friends who share common interests. *sigh* I thought I found a true friend. And now things will be awkward. Dammit.

I don't want to hurt anyone...but it seems I always do.

Will I walk through the rest of my life without a true friend?

And dating...I don't want to get hurt again...I know it's inevitable, but I can't help but be afraid. If I don't try, how will I know I'm not missing something great? I may be hurt again....things won't always work out...but being hurt isn't fun. I'd rather avoid it. I guess all of this has made me picky. I don't want to date anyone unless I truly feel comfortable with the person. Obviously, it may not work out....but still, I'm being careful. Gah! Where's my strong, silent type? Where's my noble, honorable, respectful equal?

What's new?

2004-07-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

Well let's see....my sister hates me again because my parents are away and she's decided to go do something stupid and like good siblings, my brother and I are looking out for her and let the parental units know because she chose to ignore my warnings and do stupid things anyways and now she is pissed and calling me names....and bitching at me and not Justin when in fact it was Justin who informed my parents of what's going on and not me...but she's still bitching at me and now our relationship is shot (again) and my parents are in California all furious and stressed that my sister chooses to do stupid things when they're away and now I'm tired and rather frustrated myself and this is a nice long run on sentence.

Phew!

I am going to bed and when I wake up, I hope I am in a better mood.

Update!

2004-07-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

Hey all. Sorry I haven't been posting. The past couple of weeks, I've been getting back to work. I started a new job at Second Cup and am having a lot of fun. The managers are chill and my co-workers are a hoot! :) The job itself isn't so different from working at Café Dépôt. My 3 years experience there help me loads. I work 4-5 days a week between 6 and 8 hours. It's not too bad. The past couple of days have been a little rough because I somehow hurt my ankle and it's been painful to stand on for hours. Going to go prepare a nice warm foot bath and whip out the peppermint lotion.

I haven't had too much time to work on CMS homework because of work. Luckily, I have till January 1st to hand everything in to complete level 2. I'm sure I'll have everything in before then, but it's still nice to know I am not rushing to finish. I'm passed the halfway mark in terms of homework. I'm not worried.

Life is good. No real complaints. I'm going with the flow and so far, there haven't been too many obstacles.

Alrighty...so...Commercialism and the Craft

2004-07-05T05:23:00.000-08:00

Correspondance Degrees:

I guess I don't have a problem with this. It is always wise to do your research and make sure the source is valid. Research is particularly important if one hopes to be somewhat "recognized" as having attained their degree. Degrees are certainly not universal unless tradition specific, and only then if the teacher can prove their lineage. There are those yet who don't necessarily care to be recognized 'universally' but take the courses for personal achievement. In terms of the study itself, I personally don't care for it. I can't learn through reading material alone, but I respect those who can. I personally feel such lessons lack the teacher-student relationship. I prefer taking classes at Crescent Moon because I am able to interact with the teachers and have questions answered immediately should I have them. Furthermore, I am able to interact with other like-minded people in these classes and am able to learn from them as well. Being present in a classroom setting is also preferable (in my humble opinion) because the teachers are able to watch my progress and help me in areas that need improvement. I feel the idea of feedback very important in learning. But again, I respect those who can truly learn through correspondance classes.

Commercialization of Knowledge:

Personally, I believe in fairness. Exchanging money for classes is merely an exchange in energy. It is energy returned for energy given. If we take without returning, we are only draining the teacher of energy. How fair is that? I don't think there should be an issue. If we have to pay money to join the gym or take other fitness classes to improve our physical well-being; if we have to pay money to therapists for our emotional and mental well-being; if we pay money to schools to aid in our intellectual development, then there shouldn't be a problem with paying money to benefit our spiritual well-being. Our spiritual well-being is just as important as our physical and emotional well-being.

'Nuff said.

Commercialization of Sabbats:

I really don't see this happening. Our spiritual path is a personal, meaningful choice. No one is forcing us to follow the path we've chosen. Sabbats should be celebrated with love and reverence or simply not at all. It is too bad that a lot of Pagan holidays have been commercialized (Halloween, Easter, Valentine's Day, Christmas, May Day) but to the followers of Pagan paths, they still remain true to the essence.

I realize that some Pagan parents may force their children to follow the path they follow and therefore, sabbats may become meaningless, but I don't believe this should be done. We advocate tolerance and freedom choice. There shouldn't be any forcing. My children will be brought up tolerant of all religious paths and given a choice. Religion should be personal.

On a side note....my two powder horn and kettle gourds were unsuccessful in drying and becoming gourd rattles. My cat made sure of it. I'll have to try again this year. :)

Last rant for the day....Commercialism and the Craft

2004-06-29T06:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that these posts have become rants....the issues discussed are really...touchy.

In general, I believe that with the rise of commercialism within the Craft, it is imperative that the Pagan communities remain supportive. I believe they should be playing a duel function of informant and teacher. With the increase of books and media out there, there should be those who support or correct the flow of information regarding Paganism and the Craft, and there should also be those available to teach and pass on their wisdom to those seeking to follow the path. I believe the Pagan communities should be accepting and welcoming, for exclusivity will only bring about bad press.

Ok...y'know what? I'll come back t this later. My head is still mudled with Dogma and Discrimination....my problem is that I have so much to say....too much to say...and so little words to say them. My brain overloads my mouth and in the end, I always end up stumbling over my words or forgetting what I want to say midsentence because something else has come up. *sigh*

Discrimination and the Craft

2004-06-29T06:10:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, the Craft advocates tolerance. I believe Wiccans, in theory, believe in the sacred within and without. The idea that we all contain a spark of the divine, the idea that we are all connected, and the idea that everything in the world is thus sacred, should therefore mean we are all-accepting. It's not necessarily the case. There is discrimination within and without the Craft.

Within the Craft, we can find discrimination between traditions. Some strongly believe that the validity of practice resides in the tradition; older traditions (original traditions) are more valid than newer traditions. Fam trads are more valid than the eclectic traditions of newer Pagans. It's tough really, but I believe it's all hogwash. Honestly, I don't understand why there is such dissention. In the end, we are all Pagans or Wiccans, or whatever. For a spiritual path that is supposed to (in my opinion of course) advocate individuality and freedom of expression, I don't understand why there is such discrimination. It also boggles my mind why there are issues with men's group when women's groups are popping up all over the place. Who are some people to tell others what they can and can't do? It shouldn't happen within Paganism, not if we encourage freedom of expression and individuality. But then again, it all goes back to dogma and the fact that there isn't a universal dogma. *HUGE SIGH*

Discrimination outside of the Craft and within all of society is great. Some are still stuck in the Middle Ages and still believe in the stereotypes tacked on to Witchcraft and Paganism. Some refuse to recognize Wicca as a true religion even though it is legally recognized in some countries such as Canada. Violence has been made against Pagans in the past. While many Pagans and Wiccans struggle to have their voices heard to clear up a lot of the propoganda, many still refuse to recognize because of things such as lack of dogma and lack of a central governing body. Apparently, this makes it less valid. *Another HUGE sigh*

I....I won't say any more. My head is muddled and my spirit cries out against the injustices. Grr...

Dogma and the Craft

2004-06-29T05:42:00.000-08:00

According to Dictionary.com, Dogma is "A doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church."
(http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=dogma). In other words, it refers to the central set of beliefs of a certain faith set forth by the institution.

Well, in referring to dogma within the Craft, we find a tricky situation. On one hand, there are many who stick with the idea that Paganism is unique in that there IS NO dogma, no ONE set of beliefs that everyone follows. On the other hand, there are those that believe that there IS dogma within the Craft in that everyone has their personal dogma which they adhere to. I believe both are true. Paganism is an umbrella term used to describe a vast array of belief systems. It is almost impossible to put together a dogma that everyone can agree with. The same applies to Wicca. There are many different Wiccan traditions and not all traditions believe the same thing. The American Council of Witches attempted to hammer out a set of principles that everyone can agree on but it proved most difficult because of conflicting opinions. They succeeded on coming to certain agreements, however they understandably disbanded soon after. I believe it is also true that we all have our own set of beliefs, morals and values which we follow. This can be called personal "dogma" as well. I personally agree that each individual has their own dogma but that there is no such dogma universal to all of Paganism or the Craft. The Principles of Belief that the Council of Witches put together in 1974 stands as one set of beliefs, however I would not call it universal to the Craft because there were many others who did not attend the Meet and whose beliefs were not taken into account. Furthermore, since 1974 many many more traditions have been created. The Principles of Belief are likely to be even less universal now than they were then.

The fact that there isn't a universal dogma creates problems in terms of proper recognition. Many won't recognize Wicca for instance, as a true religion because of lack of dogma. Many Wiccans are having difficulty (in Quebec) achieving clergy status because of lack of dogma and central governing body. There IS NO central dogma and governing body ruling over the Craft. The Craft itself is UNIQUE because it allows freedom of expression. I understand why there are those who are attempting to create a central dogma for these reasons and I also understand why there are those who oppose. It is a tricky situation ad I honestly don't know how it will ever be resolved.

I forgot!

2004-06-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had the freakiest experience ever. I completely forgot about it until I finished writing about Midsummer...I quickly wrote it in my journal so I don't forget again. I also shared it with my Silver Bow sisters, hoping they could share their insight. I am contemplating posting it here...but I don't know. Maybe I'm just freaking out for nothing....hmm...

Oh, and 1 essay done, 6 more to go! How I'm going to get everything done by July 31st...I do not know...

My Midsummer

2004-06-22T08:56:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, I participated in a public Midsummer rite organized by one of the teachers of CMS. It was Star Wars themed and featured the re-enactment of the battle between the Holly King and the Oak King personified by Ben Kenobi and Darth Vader. Being a Star Wars freak myself, I thought it was AWESOME! It was a lot of fun and incredibly interesting to see the sabbat celebrated with modern-day mythological figures. The quarter calls were awesome as well. They called on Chewbacca for North. R2 and Threepio for East, Han Solo for South and Leia Organa for West. It fit so well! Feast was yummy as usual, with Terri and Dave bringing some of their amazing homemade mead. *drools* Congrats to Taras and the Level 1s that helped call quarters!

I didn't celebrate the Solstice on my own that day. I celebrated it yesterday. The past week, RavenMoon of Silver Bow sent us lots of Midsummer lore and I looked through it all, trying to decide how I was going to celebrate Midsummer. I didn't end up having a plan. All I knew was that I wanted to make a sun amulet and use the solar salute she sent. Yesterday, the sun was shining and there was a wonderful breeze. It was beautiful out and all of a sudden, I decided it was time. I found myself grabbing my sarong to use as a blanket, my element representations, my crafts supplies for my amulet, and the wonderful sun salute RavenMoon sent us, and I walked out to my backyard. My parents were out and the dog was inside so there were no distractions. I set up my altar on the blanket between two young maple trees and cast circle. My rite was very spontaneous and I found myself speaking from the heart. I saluted the sun and celebrated the Sun Goddesses and Ladies of Light. I acknowledged the strength and courage within and the great changes that I have seen in my life as the sun has waxed. There were times when the sun peeked out from the clouds and shone down upon me, bathing me in glorious, radiant light and it felt like the Sun was blessing me. It felt like the Sun was answering my call, reaching out to touch me. It was beautiful and very moving. I asked the Sun to infuse the branches and golden ribbons and trinkets I'd be using for my amulet with its glorious light and warmth. I stated that they would be used to make an amulet to remind me of the Light, warmth, strength, and courage, during the oncoming darkness. I closed circle and went inside to create my amulet. There were no plugs outdoors for my glue gun. Instead of making a sphere of branches, I ended up making a cross. I tied the branches together with golden ribbon and made a small Lady's eye. I glued a golden sun trinket to the center of the eye. I think it is beautiful and I was surprised at the outcome. I had branches hoping to make a sphere but since the branches wouldn't bend, I ended up with a cross and Lady's eye. It speaks to me and I am very pleased.

Yesterday's Solstice celebration was my first private, personal rite. I wanted to plan it but I'm glad I didn't. I found it much more personal and meaningful in its spontaneity. The words flowed from the heart. It was simple, and beautiful, and well....me. It was very nice to be me in rite for once. It was nice to just "do".

I think I will be spontaneous in rite from now on. I can plan the skeleton but leave wording for the moment. It seems to work for me.

All in all, it was a wonderful Midsummer and I look forward to doing more rites that scream "me"!

Feeling Crafty and Star Wars...

2004-06-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was feeling really crafty so I went out and bought craft supplies. I managed to finish my Dream Web, Bride's Bed, and little clay animal figurines for my medicine pouch. Today I'm going to make my sun amulet as part of my own simple Midsummer Rite.

Speaking of Midsummer Rites...two words to describe the public Star Wars/Midsummer Rite: VERY COOL!

Me? Workout? Oh boy...

2004-06-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it was, but today I found myself starting to workout again. Yoga, jogging, sit-ups. This is BIG for me. I'm usually so incredibly lazy. Must have been the nice weather. I sat outside all day reading and enjoying the beautiful day. The glorious sun was really inspiring and energizing. I'm a little pink, but I feel pretty good. Let's see how long this lasts. Me=not very disciplined. I also think I am already unconsciously celebrating Midsummer. How? Well here's my response I shared with my SilverBow sisters concerning what Midsummer means to me:

"I think a SilverBow Midsummer rite is a fabulous idea. I've learned about
the battle between the Holly King and the Oak King and I've learned that at
Midsummer we celebrate the Sun Lord at the highest point of his reign.
However I personally have difficulty identifying with the Lord. I started
out identifying with the Lady...and then after awhile thought to bring the
Lord into my celebration...however it was always with some resistance. I
understand the balance between the Lady and the Lord and how They both
compliment eachother, but at this point in my life, I feel like I need to
celebrate the Lady once more as well as myself as Woman and a reflection of
the Lady. Therefore, Midsummer to me is about honoring the Lady (women's)
strength....not just physical strength....but emotional strength as well.
Personally, I feel like Midsummer is a time for me to acknowledge and honor
my warrior self and thus the Warrior Goddess, for I believe that she lies
within me and all living things. In the past, I celebrated Midsummer
publicly with other members of the Montreal Pagan Community. I will do the
same this year but I also feel now is the time to also start celebrating on
my own. I may have mentioned this before, but I was always afraid to "do". I
am a perfectionist and I was always afraid of doing anything really because
I was afraid of not doing things right. This attitude of mine has prevented
me from experiencing so much. I feel like my return to the circle has given
me the courage to live! So now's the time to start living the way I want to
live...now's the time to start creating my own path instead of trying to
find a "known" path suitable for me. And this affirmative attitude is in my
opinion, perfect for Midsummer. As the sun has waxed, I've truly felt my
strength returning. I've felt my self-confidence returning. For me,
Midsummer will be a time of affirmation of self and honor of the aspect of
the Lady that has helped me get to this point."

Me suddenly deciding to start getting back into shape coincides with my uppity, "Go Me!" attitude. It's great. :)

Ugh...sleep

2004-06-13T05:18:00.001-08:00

Jet lag sucks...I slept for almost 12 hours last night and am still tired. Went to bed at 6 pm after supper and woke up at 6 am. It's 9:17 and I'm ready for bed again. Ugh. Ever since I got back, I would go to bed late, wake up between 5 and 6 in the morning, be up for a couple of hours and then sleep again at 9 only to wake up at around 12-1. Great sleeping schedule. And then anything I eat makes me feel yucky. Looks like I'll be nice and alert for class today. Oh boy...

Environmentalism and the Craft

2004-06-13T01:55:00.000-08:00

Paganism is an umbrella term used to describe spiritual practices that are, for one, nature-honoring. Therefore, I think it is safe to say that most Pagans feel some sort of connection to the Earth. If this is the case, then I believe that there should be a relative sense of environmentalism in practice. Obviously, mileage may vary between Pagans in terms of activism. There's the active activist who is more politically and socially involved in environmental issues, and then there's the activist who is not as prominent a figure in the socio-political scene but takes charge of his/her life to live as environmentally and socially-responsibe as possible. I don't believe all Pagans should have to be the active-activist, but I believe, given their association with a "Pagan" spiritual path, they should at least take responsibility in their own lives.

I am not a particularly outspoken person and therefore do not feel as comfortable with the idea of being an "active-activist". However, I do feel that because I associate myself with Paganism and because I see the Earth and all Her creatures as sacred, it only makes sense for me to live environmentally ans socially responsible. I admit I am not as environmentally and socially responsible as I'd like to be, but at least the positive intentions are there. It isn't easy to completely change your habits. Change is a little more gradual. However, I hope I eventually get to the point I want to be at.

As I was saying in class, my English class on Nature was eye-opening. We learned of the cycle of despair and the cycle of hope. Most people are stuck in the cycle of despair when it comes to environmentalism. Most people seem to have a negative attitude regarding the state of the environment. Though a lot of people feel for the environment and dislike what is happening to the planet, it seems that they also feel hopeless. They don't think they can make a difference and a lot of people don't see a point. Unfortunately, they do not realize that even one person can creat change. They don't see that all it takes is one person to stir the waters of change. I believe that my English class has stirred the waters of change. I know I am not the only one who was deeply affected by the things we learned about. My teacher, Patricia Gordon, opened our eyes to all of the things that people are presently doing to try and preserve and conserve the Earth. Lots of people are doing fantastic things and learning about their projects has instilled hope in a lot of our minds. If only more people were aware of the positive things people are doing to counteract all of the destruction and decay. This is when a certain Owl I know suggested I put together a workshop. It certainly sounds promising. It may be an idea for a future project of mine. I'm sure a Wolf would love to help. :) If I do it, it would be my intention to try and stir the waters of change for my own part.

I don't believe we Pagans should force our beliefs on others, but rather, act as a positive example for others.

Seek Thyself Meditation #3

2004-06-13T01:40:00.000-08:00

I would say my meditation was quite successful. I was incredibly grounded and felt a strong connection to the Earth. I've been very tired and haven't been feeling well the past couple of days because of jet lag and I believe it had an affect on my meditation. I wasn't able to hold images for very long. and my sacred space was less detailed than usual. I seemed to fly from one place to another instead of journeying slowly. I met my guide and his general message seemed to be to rest and take care of myself. I certainly will. I immediately chose to journey north and found myself flying through different landscapes: a forest, rolling green hills, and mountains. As I journeyed through the landsacpes, I felt a strong sense of stability and comfort. I saw Rabbit very briefly but spent more time with Stag. My journey led me to the brink of the forest, to a small cottage in the side of a hill, like a hobbit hole. There was a small gate and I walked past it, past the garden and into the house. I walked into a cozy room with a fireplace and rocking chair. To my left was the kitchen with another fire roaring below a cauldron. The kitchen was very homely. To the right of the main room was a bedroom with a four poster bed. I didn't explore it much but knew the decor was to my liking. Though no one was around, it felt very lived in. Outside, was an herb garden and I noticed a sign on the gate "Welcome to your house". There was a strong sense of home and comfort. My journey seemed to urge me to find comfort and my home on my spiritual path. The rest of my meditation was centered around me sitting back in my chair as my sacred space faded away. My guide's voice echoed in my mind telling me to rest as I sunk deeper into the strong embrace of the earth. Though in a sort of "limbo", I felt like I was resting and relaxing and solidly grounded. I could have fallen asleep.

Native American Homework

2004-06-11T03:15:00.000-08:00

~My Native-American like Name~

I think this is pretty obvious.

Moon Blossom

Moon: I feel a connection to the Moon. When I gaze up at the Moon on a beautiful clear night, it feels like I am going to burst. I feel this rush of overwhelming warmth and comfort at my center. I feel serenity and peace. I feel Her presence within me. The Moon calls to Her within. To me, the Moon is Femininity, Mystery, Cycles, Intuition, Serenity, Peace, the Ebb and the Flow. I am feminine, oftentimes mysterious, I recognize and understand the cycles in my life. I am oftentimes peaceful and serene but can also crash like the waves governed by the Moon.

Blossom: I am delicate like a flower, sweet and gentle. I feel like I blossom when I am in my element and stay closed when I am not.

By the light of the Moon, my spirit blossoms.

The picture that goes with my name is the symbol I created for my tattoo. I use it all the time to represent me.

~My Medicine Pouch~

-My favorite stone: Moonstone

I love the milky white of Moonstone. I love how just the mere thought of it brings me peace and comfort. Serenity. An ancient palace on the Moon where the Lady reigns. Infinite Love. The power to speak to Her within, for Moonstone is associated with Divination.

-A feather

-A small twig from my favorite tree:

What's my favorite tree? Theren't aren't too many trees in my neighbourhood and thus there haven't been any trees I've connected with as I grew up. I will have to find one. My favorite tree is one I can connect with. It is one that sits strong and proud as I lean my back against its trunk and ask for help in grounding. It is one I can communicate with, one that shares with me its wisdom. My mission, to find this tree and ask that I be able to take a small tiwg to add to my medicine pouch.

-A favorite shell:

My favorite shell is a pearly white one. I don't remember where I got it. It's pearly surface reminds me of the Moon and when I hold it, it takes me deep into the depths of the Ocean to show me Her treasures.

-A picture that goes with my name:

The MoonBlossom symbol.

-Something special to me:

The acorn given to me by my friend's Aunt. She said it will help me ground.

-A lock of my hair

-Something of my favorite animal:

Two animals I have always loved when I was growing up are the Dolphin and the Panda. I have always loved both these animals because they have always represented serenity to me. They are both gentle but can be fierce if they have to. To me, the Dolphin represents intuition, grace and intelligence. The Panda represents gentleness and comfort. I will make tiny clay figures of each to put in my pouch.

Hong Kong June 2004

2004-06-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have 2 more sections to do, but here's my HK trip webpage so far:

I was bored....

2004-06-09T03:54:00.000-08:00

For all those Costuming fans out there....

2004-06-09T03:47:00.000-08:00

The Padawan's Guide to Star Wars Prequel Costumes

I don't know how many hours I've spent pouring through the pretty pictures. I love Padmé's Senator outfits. Gorgeous. And I think I wanna be a Jedi for Halloween. :) I'll go as my Jedi character from my rpgs. Yay! Wow...I'm such a nerd. It's great.

Padmé's Senator Gown from Episode II

Padmé's Lake Gown from Episode II

Home Sweet Home!

2004-06-09T03:31:00.000-08:00

I'm back! I got back last night at around 10 pm....didn't sleep much because of jet lag. It'll take a couple of days to readjust. My trip was awesome. Took about 300 pictures. I'm going to make a nice webpage about my trip. I'll post the link when it's done. It was an amazing experience. Lots to see. Lots to do. So many people and VERY humid. I can't wait to show you all my pictures. Beautiful to visit, but there's no place like home. It's good to be back. I much prefer temperate climate to subtropical. :)

A bit of CMS homework:

Spring Rolls:

SO yummy! So fresh and uplifting. Perfect for spring/summer. I love the taste the mint brings to the rolls. And I think Nathalie did a great job rolling them. :)

Strawberry Soup:

This was amazing! Strawberries are one of my favorite fruits in the summer. Was very fun and extremely delicious. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Picnic Loaf:

De-lish! For sure a perfect loaf for picnics and gatherings. I can see how this loaf is good for kinship and bringing people together. I'd love the recipe.

Tonic:

Interesting taste....not something I'm particularly fond of, but I did feel somewhat energized and uplifted after a small taste. I definitely felt a little more alert.

Great job with the rite and cooking ladies!

And my grades are in...

2004-05-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

Organizing Spreadsheets (MS Excel).....92
Drawing Software (Adobe Ilustrator)....107.5 (100)
Page Design (Quark Express)............90
Web Design (Macromedia Dreamweaver)....100
Intro to Freehand Drawing..............89
Nature (English).......................87

WOOT! Pretty solid semester, I'd say. :)

Let's see how long this lasts...

2004-05-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

Started to write in a handwritten journal again. It's my more personal spiritual journal. I'm finally making use of my handmade book. I started mid week, when life started to get better.....when my whole attitude regarding my spirituality changed. Things keep on getting better.

After reconnecting with the group I once belonged to, I started to meditate again and had an amazing vision full of meaning. It's probably my first on my own without guidance. I wrote it down in my journal and spent the next hour researching the meanings of the symbols I saw. Lots of connections. I am starting to understand how meditation works with me. I only really got results when I was guided: Autumn leading us through the Imbolc meditation to meet Brigid, the guided meditation to find my sacred space, the guided meditation to meet my guides...they were all pretty successful. However I had issues meditating on my own. I always wondered if what I was seeing was my wild imagination or if it was something deeper. I realize now that it's a little of both. Narration guides me to see what I have to see..leads me towards the moments when symbols are revealed to me. My imagination may guide me through my journey but when the time comes for messages to be revealed, I know it comes from somewhere else....the Divine that resides within....that spark....that potential....

I wrote about this realization tonight...I have been told that the Divine is within and without. I have been told that we all hold a spark of the Divine within us. I never really understood it or "felt" it till now. As I thought about what I have read in Drawing Down the Moon regarding Pagan views on divinity and different paths, it dawned on me how I truly feel about divinity. I consider the Divine "out there" in the world....I try to find the Divine in everything I see nowadays...all living things are sacred.....however when I sit and talk out loud to the Goddess and God....I somehow feel I am talking to myself.....when I ask for strength...or courage...or hope...I feel like I am talking to the Divine within....the ultimate potential....and evoking the qualities I want from the ultimate potential within. I really can feel the Divine spark within....and I see divinity all around. When I reflect on this...my center feels warm....I feel hope...love...compassion....I feel excitement, strength, and courage. It's a truly remarkable feeling.

This realization ties in with my whole understanding of meditation and symbols in my visions. The messages and symbols really are from divinity. I was concerned they were figments of my imagination....but they are from deep inside my subconscious...deep inside me...deep inside from the spark of the Divine within. It all makes sense to me.

I feel more confident. I am starting to truly understand...the pieces are starting to fit together.

Regarding the group...we no longer serve a tribe...we serve the Goddess within and without. It is a women's group. We learn from eachother. It is natural and shamanic....it is home to me. Always has been. Many of the members are still active...3 years later. I found out I was missed and the moderator who I was pretty close to never forgot me and always wondered what happened to me....even though we are an online group....we still participate in rituals together...we all lend out energies to the same rites....we learn from eachother and support eachother. The women come from all backgrounds, age groups, etc.... and we really do feel like family. Re-joining the group feels like coming home. I am coming back to the path I used to walk...the one I am most comfortable with. I don't know why I didn't realize what was happening before....I see it now though. This is my path....the Path of the Silver Bow.....

I had never let go of my name. Antianara. She was always a part of me. She still is. She is the warrior in me. She is courageous and determined. She is the one who fights hard to conquer fears and obstacles. Miaka is me as well. She is the Priestess in me. I am Miaka Antianara MoonBlossom. Always have been...always will be.

2004-05-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

I finally realize what's going on...Artemis has called me home.

Today I reconnected with my Sisters...I found my way back to my Tribe....it's been a couple of years. I've strayed. I've become lost and I've forgotten who I am. But no more. Time to get back on track.

I was known to them as Antianara. I was in charge of Amazon Dawn, the tribe for the younger members. I dedicated so much of my time to that tribe. Spirit Amazon was truly my home. I loved my Sisters. I don't know how I came to stray. But no matter, for I have returned.

Artemis- Selfhood.

Indeed.

2004-05-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

Gotta stop myself from bouncing.

Plans have changed. My parents don't want to send me to Shanghai for a month because:

a) The people I'll be staying with will be working 6 days a week for crazy hours....and I would be too
b) I wouldn't be able to explore unless they have time off
c) Not many people speak English and I don't know any Mandarin

So....instead, my parents are sending my brother and I off to Hong Kong for a week! YAY!!! I'd rather go to Hong Kong than Shanghai. HK is English and Cantonese, there's A LOT to see, and my brother will be coming with me. We're going to have a blast! Also, I want to see where my dad lived. His building is still standing. Should be interesting.

When I return, I'll start my training at the airport and work for much of the summer to save money for the upcoming semester.

HONG KONG! Yay!!!!!

2004-05-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

Artemis- Selfhood

Why did I even bother asking? I should have known...

2004-05-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

Some homework!

1) What can I do with my adrinka cloth in my magical practice?

It would make a fantastic altar cloth! You could find african symbols representing the things you wish to represent and stamp them into your cloth. Pouring your own energies into the cloth as you make it makes it personal and much more meaningful. You can customize to look exactly as you want. You can make several! One for each purpose.

2) How can I use Australian dot art in my practice?

For one thing, art in general is one of my ways of expressing the Divine within so using dot art would be another way of being creative. The technique in general is very lovely and colorful. It is also great for meditation. Count all the dots! Or follow them. :) Or meditate as you create your art. It is also a good way to connect with the aborigine people. Bye creating your own dot art, you are doing what so many others have done before.

And you've already heard what I want to do with tea. :) I would share tea with the Gods and the ancestors. Forget wine. I would use tea and mooncakes from Chinatown.

2004-05-08T16:29:00.000-08:00

Class was awesome! It was really fun. Scarlet taught us about Japanese religion and Japanese tea. It was really neat. Shinto is really interesting as is Zen Buddhism. I really want to look a little deeper into both. And I get to use The Last Samurai for one of my reports! Wicked! Awesome movie....the path of the samurai is incredibly deep.....Scarlet spoke about martial arts as a part of Zen in that it can be meditative. This is what I've been wanting to do. I want to study a martial art not only for defensive reasons, but more because I want the spiritual enrichment. I want to exercise my mind and body. It'll be great for personal energy work and meditation. Scarlet told me to contact Meri about ninjitsu. Apparently, Meri has studied ninjitsu for 12 years (I think that's what Scarlet said) and can now teach. I've just emailed her. I hope she can help me.

The other day, I had a vision of myself calling quarters not with words, but with movement. I saw myself using martial arts to call on the elements. Apparently, ninjitsu uses the elements....each movement represents an element.....so I got all excited. :)

Mom is returning from Hong Kong tommorrow night. She's bringing me back lots of things I can use in my practice. I asked her o bring me back a chinese dress I will wear in rite. She is bringing me back a dragon and phoenix statue for my altar. She bought me a fan at my request. The level 3's use of fans in their rite inspired me and I will use the one mom's bringing back to represent air. Scarlet's lesson on chinese brush painting inspired me to use brush painting in my rites and spells as a focus point. I plan on painting the relevant character on rice paper in rite and using it in meditation and spellwork. I am thinking of creating my own little tea ceremony to serve as an offering to both the Divine and my ancestors. Yes....I would like to incorporate ancestor honoring into my practice.

I am so excited! For a long while, I thought I'd never find my own practice...but now it's all coming together. The whole section on Asian religions is really helping me. I want to try and incorporate some Zen, Taoist, and perhaps even Shinto practices into my own practice. It's really exciting to see how things seem to fit together. I am walking my own path and it's marvelous!

I am really excited. I was never realy interested in anything that had to do with my cultural background. Growing up, I was never really proud of who I was....I was one of the only Asians in school......but now, I am so proud of who I am and am learning so much about my heritage. It's awesome. :) My trip to China will be an experience and a half.

What else.....Autumn's lesson on African and Australasian religions was extremely interesting. We all read so we were all cntributing to the discussion. It was fun! And the crafts were lots of fun. I love the artistic aspect of the lessons because it gives me a chance to be creative and honor the Divine within and without through my art. It truly is a wonderful experience.

Thanks for a great class Autumn and Scarlet!

Looking forward to next week!

2004-05-07T03:44:00.000-08:00

Oh GRRR...all my images....I'll have to upload them somewhere else....

*sigh*

...later....off to another final.

2004-05-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

Almost done school! Wahoo! Just one more project and a couple of practical exams.

But I'm off to lie down now....the yucky weather is making me feel awful....Lawrence says there's an eclipse as well...perhaps that's contributing to my yuckiness.

2004-05-02T18:32:00.000-08:00

Ok....a bit more homework. I did this before the day of the rite but my computer went haywire.

1) What can I do with my Egyptian cartouche in my magical practice?

I think I can use it to represent me in my spells and rites. Not only is it my name in hieroglyphs, but I also poured my energy into its fabrication. It is not as effective as say, personal belongings such as hair or blood, but it is still my energy and my name. Using hieroglyphs can also be useful in the same way that I want to use Chinese brush painting and chinese characters. I can use the painted hieroglyphs in meditation and/or spellwork as a focal point.

2) What I can do with the codex in my magical practice?

By remembering and writing down the stories of the ancients, we are honoring them. To pour one's energy into the writing and creating of a codex honoring a story, is to personally feel a connection to the story. I could definitely use this type of craft on a sabbat, honoring the story of the Goddess and God.

2004-05-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

Let me see...how to describe my week.....well.....

The first half of the week was alright....well...except for Tuesday. Tuesday sucked (as you can read below). Tuesday was the day when I freaked out big time during Ginette's class. The whole "two weeks left of school" thing kinda hit me and I felt all flustered and pressured. I started to think the program isn't even for me....that I'm on the wrong path...again.....that I was not going to do any more work and just have the teachers mark what i've done up till now. It really sucked. Many of my classmates were all shocked and stuff.....telling me I'm just having a bad day....that I'm one of the best in the class and that I should continue....I laughed. It all seemed impossible at the time.....but then I woke up Wednesday mroning and realized how much of an idiot I was. I'm almost done, I'm getting 90s in all my classes...I'm doing super well....I realized that much if not all of the pressure I was feeling was all because of myself. I hate how I put so much pressure on myself. Bad Miaka....bad! But at least I realized it....and now I'm done a lot of the work I have to do..so I'm going to make it! Woohoo!

Thursday...let's not talk about Thursday....let's just say....I felt the hangover up until lunch time today (Saturday).....needless to say, I will not be doing that again anytime soon.

So Friday was spent in bed sleeping.....got a lot accomplished then.

But today was fun! Happy Beltaine to all! I wore my flower crown downtown to class and bells around my ankles. It was a lovely day!

Class was great. We learned about Asian religions...lots to go over....but incredibly interesting. I am going to enjoy the brush painting. It felt great to learn to brush paint. It's part of my heritage.

As I wandered the aisle of Omer Deserres, looking for the brush sets....it suddenly dawned on me how I want to use Chinese brush painting in my own practices.

-First, brush painting in general brings my heritage into my practices. I do not wish to follow a strictly Chinese path, however I have no problem adding elements of Chinese practice to my own. It's part of who I am and where I came from.
-I can use brush painting to meditate....concentrate on the flow of the strokes....it s all very graceful.
-I can brush paint my spells....I was thinking of painting appropriate characters on rice paper for spellwork....pouring my energies into the symbol as I paint it....and maybe burning it afterwards.....or keeping it on my altar as a reminder....I am a very artsy, hands-on kind of person. I think it would be most effective for me to do things that way. I tend to like to express my spirituality through art (sculpting, painting, drawing...)

I got home and remembered my grandma gave me a whole bunch of books on brush painting. :) How convenient. ;)

Today was a much better day then the past few days.....tommorrow, I will work on some of my projects.

I am almost finished school...summer is on its way...I'll be off to China soon...yippee!!

*bounce bounce*

2004-04-27T18:05:00.000-08:00

I am NOT in a good mood.....today SUCKED.....

2004-04-25T21:48:00.000-08:00

Yay! I finally picked up my browpiece today. It's beautiful!

*bounce bounce*

Off to bed...it's 1:46 am.

2004-04-24T17:02:00.000-08:00

I didn't think today was going to be a good day....my alarm did not go up and I woke up late. Thankfully, mom woke me up in time so that I only missed a half hour of work. But I ended up jumping out of bed nonetheless and running around franticaly trying to pull myself together. Work was work, but I was bouncy and hyper as ever.

I've been giddy since wednesday when I got all my annoying hair chopped off. Since then, I've been so happy. A fresh look for a fresh start. Yay!

After work I headed down to the Beltane Fair where I spoke with people, browsed the tables and bought some mead! Yum! I participated in a group discussion about activism and paganism. It was quite interesting and there were quite a number of people participating. It was intersting to hear about other people's views regarding activism and whether or not Pagans should become involved. Personally I believe that if you call yourself Pagan, you must be environmentally conscious to a certain degree and thus one should at least try to live in such a way that is not environmentally detrimental. It is oftentimes difficult to change one's habits and live entirely environmentally friendly, however I believe that a certain effort is required. Of course it depends from person to person and on the situation. One must also consider who your choices affect. If one deals with others, it is encouraged to encourage and not force your beliefs on others. People cannot be forced to do things if they do not understand why they are doing it. They will only ignore or rebel. I was able to use some of my knowledge from my English class in the discussion. In English, we are learning about environmental issues and restorative practices. I found the discussion quite lively and full of interesting points.

Next was the chanting workshop. It was lots of fun as always. However, it was a little more difficult this time because I did not have my chant book in front of me. Despite the fact I did not remember a lot of the words, it was fun nonetheless.

I won a gift certificate the the store and shared Fabi's mead prize. All in all, a nice day.

2004-04-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

I had another fantastic day...

Met WW for coffee before the rite. Had a yummy Chai. Thanks again, WW!

The rite was fantastic. I got to call West. I think it went rather well. It felt much better than the BOS test. I didn't write anything down. I walked in with a few ideas. I generally winged it. I was so nervous....my hands were shaking. I could not keep my hands raised like I normally do. And I forgot to light the candle. I don't use candles so I didn't even think of it while I was calling West. But right after, I felt this huge wave of calm and peace wash over me and I was perfectly fine. The paper shredder was really nifty. What a great magical tool. :) I wrote down all of the things that are keeping me back....fears and insecurities....and as I meditated and finally shredded the paper, I truly felt better. What a perfect time for a spring cleaning rite. After all that's happened, I really feel like this is a new beginning. Terryann's reading yesterday confirms everything. Exciting times are ahead for me. This is MY time. I feel like a new person. A better person. Another thing I really enjoyed was the use of fans in our meditation. It was a really good tool to use to help people let go of their troubles. I thought it was brilliant.

After, Lawrence and I went for Chinese to celebrate his birthday. Great food, and great discussions. It was long overdue.

All in all, a wonderful weekend....the start of great things to come. Lots of realizations.....life is exciting again. :)

2004-04-17T21:48:00.000-08:00

I'm annoyed....I wrote an entry talking about my wonderful day....and then my internet went wacko.....so unofrtunately you only get the simple description version.

Class was great. Very interesting. I like how Autumn approached it. We all got to talk and share info. It was cool!

My reading was fantastic.....I am so excited....this is the time for me!

Homework....ah crud....I will have to re-type it tommorrow.

2004-04-14T16:26:00.000-08:00

Well....I will write more later when I have the chance. Right now, I'm over my head in work.

But for now, I am alive and well. :) I have come out of the doldrums and the sky is shining ever thr brighter. Thanks to all those who poked and prodded. I appreciate it.

Oh! And I'm joining the Fencing Club next semester! Yay!

More later.

2004-04-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday and the day before, I cried. I have never felt so betrayed....I have never felt so worthless. I gave everything I had.....and it wasn't good enough.... It has all finally sunk in. Last night I cried and accepted. There's nothing I can do to save the relationship. And I realized there was no point. I deserve better. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for him....it's more that he was never good enough for me. Memories still haunt me...all the good times now make me sad.....thinking of him with someone else hurts so bad.....it'll take time to heal....but I will heal....

Yesterday, I reconnected with family and friends. They are all here for me. I will be the Phoenix. I went out with girlfriends last night for the first time in awhile. It felt great. They listened and offered their support.....we will try and see eachother more often. I felt like I had to apologize to everybody I grew apart from...even my family...I realized that I had spent too much time trying to maintain a relationship that was never meant to be....I spent too much time stressing and trying so hard to make something work.....I lost touch with those I enjoy spending time with. I apologized and was told there was no need. They understood. And so my support system has grown even stronger. I am thankful.

I know what I want in life...but when I am down, I feel like throwing it all away. I didn't go to class yesterday because I was depressed and I even questioned whether or not I should continue with CMS. Well now I am in my right mind and I KNOW that CMS is for me and that I want to continue. I have asked John to help me out and I have given him permission to kick my ass if I start to drag. We have started a weekly ritual of meeting for coffee before or after class to catch up on the weeks events and offer eachother support as we deal with the hardships in life. I feel like he is a true friend and I am glad we met. We met for coffee today after class and started plotting (hehe!). We got a lot accomplished and I am extremely pleased with the work we got done. We also went over all the things I need to do to finish Level 2 so I can start Level 3 with him in the fall. I asked him to help me with my energy work since energy work is extremely important in level 3. I feel like I have a better understanding of what it is I want in terms of my path and am starting to work on the things that I want to do in my own practice. It's all really exciting!

So today, I am formally accepting the challenge. I will get through this. I am a lot stronger than I think. I will be the Phoenix. I will rise from the ashes of this ruined relationship and become who I want to be. I will love myself and one day, when the time is right, will find true love.

2004-04-03T02:51:00.000-08:00

Lesson for the Day:

Sphinx- Challenge

This is my challenge. How will I respond? By letting it get to me....by crying, feeling bad about myself, wondering why? Or will I rise again like the Phoenix rises from the ashes, born anew? I'm trying to be the Phoenix...I really am...but it certainly isn't easy...

2004-04-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

He found someone else.......

I wasted my love.....

2004-04-01T06:12:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention......

Concerning my reading the other day....as I pulled Artemis out....the first thing I noticed was.....

Look closely......at her foot......

Rabbit!!!

2004-03-30T08:22:00.000-08:00

Goddess Oracle for the Day:

Who must I learn from today?

Artemis-Selfhood

I should have known.

"The Tao is hidden, and has no name; but it is the Tao which is
skilful at imparting (to all things what they need) and making them
complete." -Tao Te Ching

2004-03-28T21:05:00.000-08:00

Do what you have to do in order to be happy.

It's done. I hope I did the right thing. It's going to be hard. How can I forget about the past 3 years? Lessons learned, I guess. I'm tired of crying. I feel like I'm wasting energy. I thought things were better. Guess not. People change. I have changed. He has changed. I'm not happy with the way things have been. I'm supposed to be patient....but why should I wait for something that's not going to happen?

The Tao has taught me that there is always change. It has taught me not to fight change and to let things be as they are supposed to be. I'm starting to believe this is the way things are supposed to be....it was a learning experience....I loved....now I have to move on. Stop fighting. Stop holding on.

2004-03-28T07:49:00.000-08:00

RABBIT's medicine includes:
Humility, Fear, Guile

Rabbit, teach me to face my fears.
Lend me your medicine
to free my mind of boundaries.
Rabbit's lesson to us is to not let fearful thoughts get the best of us. When we let a fear take our mind over, soon that fear will manifest itself in reality. Rabbit people sometimes invite the things they fear -- disaster, tragedy, sickness -- so that they can overcome the fear by finally facing it.

Sometimes Rabbit comes to us to tell us that when things seem to be going nowhere, simply wait for life to get back into motion. Re-evaluate how you are going about things to eliminate the fears and obstacles that may be causing life to be slow and then let life flow again.

(http://elswet.50megs.com/paths/shaman2.html#rabbit)

Rabbit
_________________________

Fear / Humility

Rabbit's medicine includes moving through fear, living by one's own wits, receiving hidden teachings and intuitive messages, quick thinking, strengthening intuition, and paradox. Rabbit also represents humility, because he is quiet and soft and not self-asserting.

Rabbit reminds us not to be afraid. Fearful thoughts reproduce (like rabbits) and bring the very thing we fear. Rabbit people are so afraid of tragedy, illness, and disaster, that they call those very fears to them to teach them lessons.

If you see Rabbit or in any way feel attracted to him, it may be telling you to wait for the forces of the universe to start moving again, to stop worrying and to get rid of your fears. It always indicates a need to re-evaluate the process you are undergoing, to rid yourself of any negative feelings or barriers, and to be more humble.

(http://www.elexion.com/lakota/animals/animals2.html#con)

Ha.....well what do you know. No kidding. It explains a lot....my fears....calling on my fears to teach me lessons....my feelings of going nowhere...my attachment to this cute bunny image which I use to represent me sometimes....wow.

And my other guide, the star man, kept telling me to not be afraid. Hmm...

2004-03-27T15:26:00.000-08:00

Kelly's ultimate life lesson.....patience. I've just realized (after much contemplation the past couple of days) that my impatience is the source of my unhappiness...in all aspects of my life. I really need to learn to slow down. I need to live in the moment and to take one step at a time. I've started to and I've been happy. But now I realize to the full extent how important it is I learn patience. Now i realize that it is the root of a lot of my unhappiness. Now that I've idetnitifed one of the roots of my problems, I can now decide how I want to tackle it. And this is where the Taoism and Zen studies come in....this is where my spiritual studies will help me through. It really is my therapy. I'm going to take up yoga again and try to stick with it this time. It helps mind, body, and soul and the slow pace can help my mind to slow down and focus. I'd like to look into Tai chi one day. Roots, and it also helps to slow down. I need to know ALL THE TIME that my time will come to shine and not just know when I'm rational and thoughtful. I need to be patient with myself and others. Stop comparing myself to people. I'm going to get there when the time is right.....there being the place I am meant to be in. The place where...I...am meant to be. I and no other.

My meditation in class was great. Let me recopy what I wrote down after the meditation. Lots of short sentences and words. I tried to write as much as I could before the memory started to fade.

Forest grove. The trees towered over my head and protected me. The trees encircled me and protected me. I sat on a hard, dirt forest floor and it was comfortable. Ahead on my left, was a path. A faint dirt path, not well defined. There was light at the end, like sunlight. The breeze kissed my cheeks and rustled my hair. I felt so peaceful and serene. As the wind guided me down the path, I danced and frolicked and felt light and free. And then I stood in a field of tall grass and flowers. A floating meadow. Waterfalls all around. Other floating chunks of land hovering all around. I was on my own little island surrounded by the falls that poured into oblivion. I sat down and listened to the flowing water. I was even more serene, peaceful, secure. I felt safe. A silhouette appeared. A man. An outline filled with the stars. A flash of a rabbit. And then the man. Slightly older. Gentle reassuring voice. Be strong. Don't be afraid. Don't be sad. Be happy. Do what you have to do in order to be happy. He hugged me and I felt safe...like he was the only person in the world I could talk to. Really talk to. Talk to about anything. I felt like I was going to explode with all the things I wanted to tell him. But I'm sure he already knows. He massaged my shoulders and released all the tension. He poked my nose playfully. Called me "kid". I'll always be with you. I left happy and peaceful. I know I can always go back. I'm not alone.

It was one of my best meditations yet. Ever since the last meditation with my violated sacred space, I haven't meditated. Too afraid i guess. I walked into class thinking I wouldn't have a good meditation. Before we meditated I was so full of stress I was on the verge of tears. But then Scarlet us led us through relaxation and I felt the tension slip away. The tears stayed. My mind cleared ( it actually did!). I grounded and centered and was at peace. My grounding was so strong. I noticed throughout my meditation how solid and secure I felt. I felt like a pillar. That's how I ground. I know I can. And I know my grounding was not strong enough during my test...but I know why.

Time to stop living for others. I've tried to not live for others and live for myself instead. It's why I am happier now than before. But it's hard. Sometimes I slip. The past couple of weeks thinking about my path in life has reminded me to just be myself. I'm still trying to discover parts of who I am....but whatever the case, i have to stay true to me.

I bought a book on Taoism today. A small intro book. Perhaps it's a good start to being true to me. We shall see.

2004-03-22T17:49:00.000-08:00

Today I watched Chocolat. What an amazing movie. I really loved it. It was so...magical. A small conservative village meets the winds of change when a woman and her daughter set up shop in the village and open a Chocolate shop.

Pagan elements....well the wind for one. The wind always seems to indicate some sort of change. It is windy when Vianne and her daughter Anouk arrive in town. There are a couple of other instances when the wind forshadowed some sort of change in the town. Wind, air, is cleansing. It can sweep away the old and make way for the new.

Vianne is Pagan. She does not need to mention it. She does not go to church like everyone else. The town's observance of Lent does not stop her from doing her job. Her chocolate party on Easter Sunday at the end of the movie is more a celebration of the town's rebirth than a celebration of Christ's resurrection. It is a new beginning for the town that has always lived by the rules of the Church that up till then, was more interested in repentance, averting temptation, and excluding "immorality" than celebrating the community and individuality. Furthermore, Vianne is descended from a tradition of women travellers perhaps descended from the Mayans who travel from town to town bringing their chocolate remedies to those in need. Their recipes are full of herbs and spices and other fine ingredients giving each chocolate a certain uniqueness. The women understood the properties of plants and spices and such and used them to help those in need. The knowledge is passed down from mother to daughter and the tradition lives on.

Vianne asks her customers to gaze into a spinning disk. "What do you see?" Their answers decide their "favorite" chocolates. Their answers, reflections of their soul, determine the chocolate remedy they will be given. This is very much divination and Vianne is very much a healer. Her chocolates help her customers overcome their fears and help them to liberate themselves. She is also readily available as the shoulder of comfort to many. She gives of herself and realizes the need to travel and help others.

Vianne and Anouk wear red cloaks when travelling. They stand out against the dull, plain colors of the town. Red is the color of life and their arrival is like the spark of life returning to the town that has forgotten how to live. The red certainly caught my attention.

The movie was great. It was magical, and hopeful, and it goes to show that one person can make a difference.

2004-03-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about yesterday. Today my head is clearer. I realize a lot of my feelings had everything to do with my fragile confidence and expectations not met. I was upset that my test did not go exactly as planned. I was also feeling a bit uncomfortable. My practice was being evaluated by someone I didn't know. It's personal and not easy to share. My rite WAS my own. It wasn't not me. It's just that I was too nervous and self-conscious to be able to really connect. I'm used to performing my rites alone in the comfort of my home. I guess it's something I'm going to have to get over. Perhaps if I was better grounded I would have ben able to control my uneasiness a bit better. I will have to work on that.

But i realize that what I said yesterday regarding Wicca not being my path is stupid. It really is. But lately, I've been associating Wicca with the more established, traditional paths of Gardnerian and others. I forgot that Wicca can also be Eclectic. I can MAKE my Wiccan practices simpler and more personal. I don't have to follow a strict tradition. I CAN try to incorporate some chinese practices, a bit of shamanism, herbalism, and my special relationship with Isis and Odin into my own eclectic Wicca. And that's what I've been doing. And the whole MPC is out there. There IS a community of people out there like me. Not all obviously. But there are quite a number of Eclectic Wiccans. And I have already found my spiritual family.

So yeah. Now I feel better. I have no problem re-doing my test if I have to. I'm still going to finish level 2 and hopefully move on to level 3.

As always, I walk ever onward.

2004-03-20T21:16:00.000-08:00

The Gods are hopeful. "Perhaps this is the time Kelly will finally get a hint." I did. Finally.

Today's been one of those days that you come to certain realizations that change everything. Today, the feelings I've been feeling the past long while were confirmed...feelings I've pushed aside, always hoping for an easier way. Always hoping to follow a way....one that's been trod on by many people.....hoping I'd one day belong to the type of community, the type of family I've dreamed of. But today I realized it isn't my path. Finally.

Today was a test. It was test of energy work and simple rituals. It was a test we've had ample time to prepare for. I had prepared my part and was convinced I knew what I was doing....always going over the words in my mind....going over the sequences.....I thought I had it. But my heart wasn't really in it. I tried. I've been trying. But trying to do something that's not really you.....it just doesn't work. I was nervous.....me and failure....it's one of my demons. I hate failure.....I was nervous...even though I was convinced I knew it all. I was tested by one I don't know. Not that I'm saying anything bad. But it was awkward. My nervousness skyrocketed and I'm sure my energy was all over the place. I was concentrating more on remembering the steps and sequences that I forgot to "feel". I messed up on the directions. I was all confused but decided it was pointless to start over. I felt like an actor trying to remember lines...lines I wrote myself and that I felt....I didn't really feel it this time. I left very disappointed with myself. I tried to get over it and had even decided I wanted to take the test over whatever the grade hoping to satisfy myself. But then I decided against it.

I feel like it was a test of path. So many times throughout level 2, I've doubted. I've felt uncomfortable....lost. Looking for books....looking for knowledge....looking for what I want...and never finding it....instead, making myself take a path....hoping that it would be mine....yearning for community and close relationships.....searching for myself...seeing an amazing community and wanting to be a part of it.....I guess if I couldn't be a part of MY community....I could try to be part of any community. But what is my community? What is my path? I've learned that it is not quite the one I am on now. Slowly but surely.....hints and clues here and there.....and then today......

I'm Pagan.....I know that for sure......but trying to create a spiritual practice that works for me? I need simplicity. I need to connect with nature. I need to be an even better person.

Ah screw this. Enough with the cryptic shit. Bottom line is, I have to stop forcing myself to be Wiccan. It's not for me....and it's taken me a little while to figure it out. I'm trying to reconnect with my roots. It's been a sudden interest of mine. My research for my Drama in Religion paper has taken me back to my roots. The Chinese shamans.....taoism....I'd like to learn more.

I'm frustrated now because I want to explain myself. But there's so much to say.....my fingers can't keep up.

I need to find a way of merging aspects of ancient chinese religious practices with modern paganism and a bit of shamanism like Lawrence has with Judaism, Paganism and Shamanism. I feel like that's my path. And now I'm scared. If I chose the Wiccan path...well there's so many books and resources out there....so many places to look for answers....but now I have to piece it all together myself. I don't know anyone who can point me in the right direction. The stupid part of me wants to give up entirely because it's too much time and effort.....and frustration and confusion and.....but then the rational part of me knows what spirituality means to me and how it has bettered my life. How I've been able to overcome such difficult situations...how I've grown...

And so I won't give up. But what to do? Where to start? Who's going to help? Am I all on my own? Are there others out there like me? Will I ever find this community I yearn for? Will I ever find somewhere I belong?

Am I just going insane?

Hmm....it's late.....12:13 am. Perhaps I should sleep on it. Maybe my head will be clearer in the morning.

To be continued.....

2004-03-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's class was really cool. We were talking about herbs and plants and how to use them. It's been a subject I've been wanting to get into. I like the fact I can create simple natural remedies for things such as headaches, colds and insomnia and not have to rely on medication like Tylenol or sleeping pills. Obviously herbalism is not a substitute for medical assistance, however it it a good alternative for minor health problems. I enjoy gardening and I hope to plant a small herb garden for myself this spring. I've tried a number of times with no luck. Perhaps this is the year I succeed. :)

After Atumn explained the different ways to use herbs, we were given time to pour through books to look for the necessary info for our own Herbal Grimoires. I'm realy enjoying this project. Not only do I get to create my very own herbal reference, but I am also usig this project for my Page Design class. The next project is to make the page layouts for the blank journal-type things you see in bookstores. I'm going to be creating the page layouts for my herbal grimoire and putting it all together and them I'm going to use it for CMS. My Page Design teacher thinks it's a great idea. I've done my thumbnails and now I have to show them to her. I'm sure they'll be fine because she took a brief look at them earlier and thought they looked great. So by Tuesay I should be able tos tart creating them in Quark. I'm hoping to have my whole book put together by the end of the week so I can start writng in it next weekend.

Speaking of next weekend, next weekend is our BOS test. I'm ready. I was looking at my printed copy and though it is 4 pages, it'll only take 30-45 minutes. The Calls take up a lot of room, but saying them doesn't take too much time. I'm sure I'll do fine. We each have an hour. All I have to do is decide what I'm going to be using to write in my book, whether I use plain old ball point or if I use an ink pen. We'll have to see. I'm not sure how thick the pages are. I don't want the ink to run through. Other than that, I pretty much have the procedure and my Calls down. I'm kinda excited.

My Drama paper should be done this week as soon as I pay the late fees at the JAC library and can get my hands on the book I need. I'm also pretty much done my 5 divination descriptions and hopefully next Saturday, while waiting ym turn,I can finish up Women's Mysteries so I can respond. Autumn is lending me Chocolat, so I can get that done. And I'm pretty much on top of the 2B stuff. Things are looking good.

2004-03-07T14:28:00.000-08:00

Teaching is fun! We didn't talk too too much today because it was more a hands-on exploration of the elements. Beforehand though, I got to do the chants! When I did Level 1, we didn't have a chance to do the chants so it was all new to me. :) Some I knew from attending public rites, and others I didn't. Chanting and singing is fun. Sometimes it took a little while to get the tune, but after that, it was all good. John had his drum and Scarlet had her flute. It was really cool combining the chants with the instruments.

There are two people in the class. One has a background in shamanism. Sometimes I felt a little intimidated wondering if she'd take me seriously. I am young and not so knowledgeable as John and Scarlet. And I know she has a background in shamanism which I know nothing about. She doesn't talk as much, well not today. But I hope she does. I hope we can learn from each other. I'd love to learn about shamanism. And I'd like to help teach her about Wicca and Paganism. The other, seems pretty new to the path. He's definitely eager to learn. He has no problem asking questions. I love the "oh cool, I didn't know that"s. We started the Magic book today. It gets exciting from here on in. I can't wait till next week. Now I have two things to look forward to: taking Level 2B and assisting Level 1.

I think John and I work pretty good together. We're different and I think the both of us have a lot to contribute and different ways to contribute. And we get along which helps a lot. It's going to be fun. I really look forward to it all.

2004-03-07T06:48:00.000-08:00

I've been asked to assist in teaching Level 1. Wow. I start today at 12. I'm helping John with his class. This is such an incredible honor and a thrill because my goals to learn all I can and share my knowledge with other seekers is starting to be realized. :) This is also incredibly encouraging. People have faith in me. I have faith in myself. I realize this is quite a responsibility, but I believe I can handle it. It's worth it. Autumn always talks about how rewarding teaching is. Now I get to find out for myself.

I'm going to spend much of my free time this week in the Abbott library. I want to finish and be done with most of my 2A homework so that I can just concentrate on 2B stuff this semester. I don't have too much left to do. I have to watch a couple of movies, identify 5 methods of divination, complete the rest of my crafts, finish reading Women's mysteries and finish up my 2 papers which I have already started. I also have to participate in a couple of bardic experiences which I will try to do as the events come up. I wanted to go to an Irish Storytelling on the 12th, but it's my sister's birthday and I can't. I hope another opportunity arises. I started on the counsellor interviews, or wanted to anyways. The Abbott counsellors told me they couldn't help me because they were too busy with the work they do for Abbott. They also said that since this work is for a course outside Abbott, that they just didn't have the time. So I have to look elsewhere. Not so easy...

Breakfast time. I need energy. :) We're going over Pagan chants and exploring the elements. It's going to be a fun class.

2004-03-06T17:48:00.000-08:00

Another great informative class. I'm glad we went over some of the readings because they are quite heavy. Freud as well as Frazer can get obscure at times. It was great to discuss and clarify things, especially the definitions such as totemism and animism. Most of the concepts I understood as I read, but it was great to have Autumn write it down on the board in simpler terms; simpler terms we had to voice. We did more brainstorming as we have done before. This time we came up with great lists for magic, science, and religion. We have a bigger class this semester so there were more brains brainstorming. Some of the things we came up with were really good. Kira came up with a whole bunch at one time and amazed us all. :) It's always great doing the brainstorming thing because when we compare and contrast the three lists, we discovered that a lot of the terms are inter-related. I'm also glad we went over the topic of magic, religion and science because it gave us an opportunity to better understand all three terms and learn how we can live with all three. Some people think that they cannot be combined, that there are too many contradictions. But I personally know they can. I personally believe in science and what science has done for humanity. I believe in religion. I turn to religion and faith for comfort and inspiration. I also give credibility to magic. I have seen magic at work in my life. I also know that some of the magical things in my life can't be explained by science.

So what is my understanding of Magic, Religion, and Science? CMS homework, here we go! :)

Magic: Drawing on personal (i.e. will and emotion) and natural energies (i.e. of the elements, herbs, stones, colors. etc...)to effect a desired change in one's life.
Religion: Beliefs, morals, values, and the practices surrounding the reverence and worship of a higher, often creative power.
Science: The systematic study of natural phenomena. Theorizing, experimenting, and concluding in a rational, logical, systematic manner. (Okay, I admit I looked this word up in the dictionary. My definition is what I gathered from the dictionary's longer definition).

We learned today that Magic and religion are pre-sciences. Magic paved the way for religion, which in turn paved the way for science. It makes sense. My definition of science as the "study of natural phenomena" can also apply to religion. Religion and its mythology were created in an attempt to better understand the world. Much mythology explains natural phenomena. If we look at deities, many of them represent natural phenomena. The people would personify and animate (animism) natural phenomena as an attempt to understand why and how things happen. It also gave them a sense of control. By naming and identifying, they gave themselves some power over it, to command and control if they will (Magic). On the other hand, believing that everything possesses its own essence or spirit, can also take away power as some feel they need to appease these spirits in order to gain favor. They developed certain customs and rituals desgined for that purpose (Religion). We can see how in this way, religion preceded science. Again, some people believe magic, religion, and science can't be combined. Magic, according to my definition, is personal because one must use personal energies to effect change. Magic thus puts the control in the individual. Religion, according to my definition and explanation, puts the power in the higher power or being, taking most of the power away from the individual. Some is left for the individual to attempt to appease the favor of the higher being, but ultimately the power lies with the divine. Science takes the power away from the individual and the divine, leaving explanations to natural, "scientifically proven" laws and facts. For this reason, many don't believe they can be combined. What was once thought to be caused by divinity has now been proven to be caused by something concrete. Example, lightning in Ancient Greece was thought to be caused by Zeus, created for him by Hephaestus. Now, we know that it is caused by electric discharge in the atmosphere.

Examining the three lists we came up with in class, we can see that a lot of the terms inter-relate. For example, all three can be used to control and dominate. Magic can be used to control and dominate over something or someone. Religion as a system can be used to control society. And science can be used to control. What else...creation and transformation can be applied to all three. All may also involve a certain inner power. Much of the wrods listed under science are rational and concrete. Probably because well, science is rational and concrete. The terms under magic and religion are a bit more abstract. What else...all three have both positive and negative terms, all because of the intention. All three can be used for good or ill. Most terms under "Magic" are terms that can apply to the individual. Ex. intent, energy, will, visualization, believing, faith, emotion, etc... They are all things that the individual has control over.

All in all, an extremely intellectually stimulating class.

The idea of the Collective Unconscious still leaves me in such awe......how so many examples of different groups of people all over the world could have similiar customs and belies without ever having contact.....wow. :)

2004-03-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

I just finished writing out my Book of Mirrors consecration rite. Our test is coming up on March 20th. Last week, we learned how to perform simple rituals and we started to piece together our own ritual for our upcoming test. I just finished putting mine together. It's 4 pages typed. I know the order of operation and my energy work should be fine. I just have to remember the Calls I wrote and also my Book Blessing. I know I could have written simple Calls to the Elements and the Divine, however I decided to write from the heart and what came out was a little longer and more personal. I used Phyllis Curott's Witchcrafting as a guide. I love her writing. She is one of my favorite authors because her books are comprehensive, personal, and poetic. I feel like I can really connect to what she says. So I have a lot of practice and memorization to do before the 20th. I want my rite to be just right. But obviously, I'm not going to fret if I forget some of the wording. The Gods know I'm not perfect and I'm sure they will appreciate the effort. But I will make sure I don't goof up on the order of things. It's a test, so I should know what comes first.

I want to go through my finished book and add a few things here and there to the decor. I also want it to be just right. :)

2004-03-04T19:17:00.000-08:00

Okay well, the facts are there, but the whole show is so...I don't know...cheesy, that the truth kinda gets lost. Fiona speaks about being a witch and Wiccan. She tells the viewers that witches don't believe in Satan but rather a God and a Goddess. Okay. Good. At least that big misconception was cleared up. Second, she mentioned rituals and spells performed to heal the self and others and for self-empowerment. Fine. I'm glad she mentioned healing. It counters the misconception that witchcraft is all about curses and hexes. But the "blood bath" challenge and the whole dark, mysterious setting does not help the image of witchcraft she is trying to portray. The opening has Fiona telling the audience that the contestants would be introduced to each of the Alts "world(s)". As Pagans, are "world" isn't that far-out. It isn't that dark and mysterious. We're humans too. I am Wiccan and I feel my life is "normal". The contestants were clearly freaked out. In the beginning, the contestants spoke about what they we or weren't expecting. One contestant spoke about being the "good girl". Another spoke about wanting a little excitement. Many told the audience they were conservative and Christian. This is like, light versus dark. The same female contestant that spoke about being a "good girl" also said the Alts (the "freaks") were "corrupting" her. This young woman, named Kelly, claims she lives in a convent and is 'the good girl" but wears quite the revealing shirt. In the end, it's all a publicity stunt. They try to shed light on these alternative lifestyles with actual fact, but the truth is lost in the cheesiness. More reality TV. More drama, stupid, pointless challenges, triumph, and loss. And to differentiate this show from all the other reality garbage on the air, the producers choose to introduce "ordinary" people to the crazy, mysterious, "Mad" worlds of the voodoo priestess, the vampire, the naturist, the modern primitive, and our little witch. The "Witch" wasn't really featured in this week's episode, but the clip for next week's shows her in ritual with the contestants. I guess we'll see then what more Fiona has to offer.

2004-03-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

So all the talk is about Mad Mad House, a new reality show airing tonight on Space at 9. "Normals" meeting the "Alts", people who live alternative lifestyles. There's a Witch among them. Great. I've got to see this. It's one of those, shake-your-head-because-you're-so-embarrassed-for-the individual type of things. We all know this can't be too good for Pagans. Perhaps they'll shed light on Wicca for the rest of society? Not a very good one. Obviously, the producers of this show are more interested in attracting viewers than keeping it real. And what's most likely going to happen? Sure they'll shed light on our spirituality. But it'll be done in such a way as to attract people for all the wrong reasons. Do you remember The Craft and Charmed? Good looking women boasting about spells.....this Witch is supposedly some well-known Wiccan author....you'd think she'd know better. But then again, I wonder what the price was. *shakes head*

You know, I've been lopped into that "Witchcraft as a fad" category before......I hate it! And with distorted media portrayals of my spirituality....more and more people look at me funny. They don't take me seriously. I have a fam-trad Witch thinking I'm only into Wicca to get out of class on Sabbats (but like Sacrlet says, we DO have a right)....thinking I'm wearing Wicca like I wear my clothes....okay well...some girl at school made those comments about the Club I help run....and granted, there ARE members who use Wicca to make a fashion statement and it drives me crazy...but still. That's NOT ME! Anyone who knows me knows that's far from me. I remember when I first discovered Wicca in Grade 8. I was trying to find myself and the God and Goddess led me to this path. I've been on it ever since. My best friend at the time used to always copy my interests and then become obsessed with them. She saw my interest in Wicca and took as her own and then kind went overboard. She'd wear the jewelry and walk around saying she was a witch just to impress the "cool" crowd. It really made me sick. And I'm sure a lot of people thought I was doing the same. But no. Since Grade 8, my relationship with the Divine has helped me get through some VERY difficult times. My spirituality has helped me discover things about myself I never realized. It is helping me become a better person, the best person I can possbily be. I tell everyone, that Wicca is my therapy. I know I am young and still extremely inexperienced, but I can't deny the strong connection I feel to the God and Goddess nor can I forget how much I have learned about myself and about life through my studies. I am Wiccan and negative media portrayals of my faith are wrong. Negative, distorted media portrayals of any spiritual practice is wrong. I hate how money and power outweighs what is morally right.

Mad Mad House.....portraying sugar-coated Wicca. Oh joy.

2004-03-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

Here's my long overdue response to Alice Hoffman's Practical Magic. I've been putting it off because I thought I had to write a 3-page paper analyzing the novel and well, I have been busy with other school work. But apparently, I got it wrong. I have to write a response to the novel. It is a modern media portrayal and I should be writing my thoughts and feelings. So here goes...

First of all, I love Alice Hoffman's writing style. I feel very comfortable reading her work. I think it's because her characters and her situations are very real. Gillian and Sally are very real people. These women are not perfect. They have problems and Hoffman has no problem going into the nitty gritty of their lives. The whole novel, though centered around magic, is very down to earth and personal. A lot of people might expect a more fantastic story with overexaggerated people and situations because of the magical theme, but what Alice Hoffman does is show us that the magic is all around us, even in a life we describe as "normal". Well, some of the situations are a bit far-fetched, however, the point is that the women try to live normal lives. Magic is everywhere and through the story of Gillian and Sally Owens, Hoffman shows us how.

The novel does not portray Wicca, but it does portray Witchcraft. Though I love the characters and their stories warm my heart, I find the Craft portrayal stereotypical. Here are some of the stereotypes I've pointed out:
-Aunts live in an old, run-down Victorian house. It seems to be isolated from the rest of town. No one wants to go near the house because everyone knows the owens women are witches.
-The Aunts are ageing and widowed. They're loves all died because of a family curse. --> Witch as old hag.
-They have a lot of cats. --> A cat is a typical familiar of a witch
-The Aunts meddle in the love lives of their clients. They help a woman make the one she covets fall for her. --> Love magic always seems to be an interest. People seem to think that magic will help them win the heart of so-and-so. It's against all we believe in. Love magic is ok as long as you don't take away the free will of another. It is okay to draw love (in general) to you, but it is not okay to make someone fall in love with you. In the novel, the aunts are reluctant to help the female client, however they do it anyways because of the money. Their clients get a warning. Be careful what you wish for. Honestly, I would refuse to perform such magic entirely. Forget the warning. In my opinion, it is wrong. And for money!

I do like how the novel is divided into 4 parts: Superstition, Premonitions, Clairvoyance, and Levitation. The events in each part of the novel coincide with its name. For instance, the first part is named Superstition and is about the Owens family and how Sally and Gillain came to live with their quirky aunts Jet and Fran. It describes the history of the family. The family curse is a superstition (I think). A superstition is a belief maintained by faith in magic or chance. It is said that when an Owens woman falls in love, her lover is doomed to die. It has happened. Coincidence? Or curse? The second section is called Premonitions. This section describes Sally's life away from the Aunts with her daughters Antonia and Kylie. It describes the trials Sally and the girls go through living on their own after leaving the aunts. This section is full of teenage angst and trouble is brewing in the family. It is a forwarning of what is to come in the next section when everything seems to go haywire. Jimmy. Sally and Gillian fighting. Gillian and Ben. The girls trying to get along. Jimmy. Clairvoyance. Not really sure how this title applies. Clairvoyance according to Dictionary.com: "apparent power to perceive things that are not present to the senses ". Perhaps it is the hidden negativity that is Jimmy's spirit affecting everyone. There seems to be a lot going on in this section of the novel. The last section is called Levitation. I think it refers to that great feeling of being in love. In this last section, comes all the happy endings full of love.

In general, I like the novel. I love all the characters and the story is good. Some of the witchcraft is stereotypical, but I also love how Hoffman likes to add superstitions and remedies all throughout the novel. Ex. "If a woman is in trouble, she should always wear blue for protection." or "Plant roses and lavendar for luck."

2004-03-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

This weekend's class was extremely useful. We learned about simple rituals and started preparing for our test which is coming up in a couple of weeks. Most of the stuff we learned I've read in books, but I was able to unedrstand the information a lot better after having someone tell me. I read, but never had the courage to try. This weekend, we learned, and were encouraged to try. It definitely gave me more confidence. I wrote a skeleton of the rite I will be performing for my test. I just have to come up with the Calls to the elements and to Isis and Odin. That's the best part. I love that I can write my own words. I love letting the creative juices flow and write all I feel about the Divine in words. :)

I feel confident that the test will go well. I pretty much know and understand what I am doing. Again, all I have to work on is the wording.

Being in a classroom environment as opposed to independent reading is also much more effective because I am able to ask questions. Too manytimes have I read something and not completely understood what the author meant. In class, I was able to ask questions and clear up the misunderstandings. It was the order of operation that confused me bit. I had a few questions about doing what when. All clear now. :)

Class was great. Scarlet was worried, but I assured her that I thought class was extremely helpful. After all, what we learned was the foundation for many if not all rituals.

The Herbal Grimoire class is coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm excited. :) This is going to be great. I've been meaning to start my own book. Now I can. Now I have to.

I'm half way through my Drama in Religion paper. I just have to get a book from the library that I had returned recently. I still need it.

I'm hoping to do as much as I can before I leave for China for 2 months. In fact, i hope to have everything finished. So i really have to get a move on. My goal is to graduate in the summer. We'll see what happens.

2004-02-14T19:01:00.000-08:00

Class was great. I think I'm doing pretty well with shielding, though I wasn't ready to be blindfolded and tested. Perhaps next week. :)

So we started off putting a shield up around an object. I put one up around my Linkin Park CD case. I think it went ok. I tested my shield with my hands and sure enough, the usual tingling sensation of my hands. For me, energy feels tingly. I'm not quite sure exactly how strong it was, but I'm sure it was strong enough. I will have to practice.

After, we practice putting up our own shields and then came the blindfold exercise. I didn't volunteer because I didn't feel confident enough with my energy-sensing abilities. Though I know I can do it, sometimes i still have doubts and I didn't want those doubts to sabotage the exercise. After today's class, my confidence is definitely up. With more practice this week, I'm sure I'll be ready to try the blindfold test next week. At least I hope so.

After the test, which I must add, I was extremely impressed with those who took their turn. :) After, we started group shielding in pairs. I started off with Lawrence. Glad I was able to start with someone familiar. Glad Sacrlet allowed us to work together. I think we did a pretty good job putting up two shields. I couldn't really see anything. I couldn't feel anything much except a sense of security, trust, and support. Next came Fabiola. Obviously comfy working with Fabi. Warm. I think we did well again. Then Christiane and after, Frank. Generally, I think we did a good job. I felt the most working with Frank. I actually felt warmth working with him and at first, I felt overwhelmed by his energy. Autumn must have noticed it because she told me not to be afraid to use my own energy and push against his. I tried to follow her instruction and definitely felt better, more balanced. I also felt like our shield was a bit more dense than I had felt working with anyone else. Scarlet described our shield as"mud". :) Water and Earth combined. I have yet to work with a couple of others. I'm sure I will get the opportunity. This group energy work is definitelt bringing the group closer together. Before today, I hadn't really spoken with many of the others. I foresee us becoming more open and comfortable with eachother. I am confident we will be a great, dynamic group. :)

Time for more yoga. For those who don't read my other journal, I've recently started doing yoga again. So far, it's been 2 days. Today's my third. I bought a stress-relief yoga video and I'm already starting to see changes after 2 days. Happier, a little calmer, muscles loose and relaxed....when I did it at night, I felt open enough and loose enough for bed. When I did it yesterday morning, I felt more alert and ready for the day. So far, though some of my muscles ache from the new exercise routine, I am enjoying it.

I will continue to use the shamanic drumming cd to help me meditate. I used it the other night and felt my body slip into relaxation. I had a few difficulties meditating and making it to my sacred space, however I now know what I have to do to make it. I just have to let myself go and be prepared to face whatever it is is there. It's MY sacred space. I must reclaim it!

Let you know how that goes. :)

On another note, I bought more clay today and gloss. About to gloss Bast for Scarlet and I will start Hecate for Autumn tommorrow. Yay! I can even gloss Isis and my other statues now. :) And, I have a huge chunk of clay so I can make other stuff for my altar. *teehee* I love sculpting. It's such an amazing, rewarding experience. Creating from my hands....creating the beauty of the divine from my hands.....it's absolutely amazing. :)

I general, another great day. :) That's 3 in a row.....hmmm...I must be doing something right. :) Yeah, my outlook on life is changing for the better. Aphrodite's advice to be patient and understanding is really chnaging things for the better.

2004-02-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's class was okay. We did a meditation to explore our sacred places. I was hoping I'd have a good meditation like the week before. My meditation started off well. I was in this nice grassy field flanked by forest. One end opened up to rolling hills. I don't recall what bordered the other side. In the field, there were trees scattered. I found myself sitting under a big Willow. Not too far from me was another Willow drooping down over a small pond. I seem to like ponds. There was a pond in my last meditation. The grass was tall and wild in some places and low in others. It was sunny with few clouds and there was a light breeze. I could hear the breeze rustling the leaves. All was peaceful. I'd hear birds chirping now and then. I noticed the ants racing around on the ground. A bunny hopped close and looked and me curiously. I lay down and looked at the sun through the leaves. I felt safe and peaceful. I looked across to the forest order and saw a small clearing where my other sacred spot was situated, the spot from last weeks meditation. In my mind I was trying to connect them. For some reason, a boy named Jeremy (random name) came along and asked if I wanted to play. I declined and told him next time. He said "Okay." and ran off, laughing joyfully until he disappeared. I wondered if I should be encountering people in my sacred place. I then got up and walked over to the pond. There was a large flat rock on the border of the pond that jutted out and so I stepped on it and peered into the cool rippling water. The water rippled everytime a leaf from the Willow dropped onto its surface. There were some small fish and the bottom, which was clear to me, was full of small round pebbles. Then a newspaper boat came floating by. I had an image of me picking it up but then it faded and I looked into the distance. A single red balloon floated up and then all went crazy. A dark shadow of a man in a long coat and rimmed hat appeared. I was fearful. His shadowed was strong but fuzzy. Things seemed to darken and I tried to push him out of my sacred space. It was MY sacred space. He shouldn't have been there. He disappeared, or faded away, but his shadowy imprint remained. His negative presence linger and I wanted to leave. I didn't feel safe anymore. So I opened up my eyes. Then I tried to imagine myself floating in space again. I wanted to see if I could find another sacred spot. So I forced myself to go back to my forest glade. I didn't stay very long. The image wouldn't hold. My meditation was disrupted. I went back to the starry sky and then found myself on a flat rocky surface floating among the stars. I was lying on it looking up. There as silence. A nothingness. And then Autumn led us out and I sat up.

I was disappointed. What started off as a good meditation quickly turned into a bad dream. That wasn't supposed to happen. I don't think I was supposed to meet anyone. Now I have to meditate on my own to find my sacred space again. But I will consciously gide myself away from the field. I don't want to go back for fear of that strange dark shadow.

The energy work was pretty good. My energy balls seemed to waver, but my shield was strong. I think picturing my shield as a water bubble is very effective. It's the strongest shield I've ever felt. I was a little doubtful when Kira started a ball and passed it along. I was afraid I'd be the one to make it disappear. But it seemed to go alright. More practice, practice, practice. Next week we do more energy work.

We had a big class today. 11 students. It's nice to see so many students, however I have a feeling things will remain divided for awhile. Once people get to know one another, perhaps things well feel more together. For now, it's clear to see the separate groups.

Body was tired and a bit sore after class. Ate well and then went to bed early.

2004-01-31T16:25:00.000-08:00

Today I journeyed Downtown for the Imbolc Rite and CMS Grad. I wasn't planning on going. I was pretty depressed last night (see my LiveJournal for non-CMS daily blabber) and I thought my bad mood would not not be a good addition to Circle. Furthermore, for some reason I was schedule to work till 1 and the rite was supposed to start at one. I didn't think I'd make it. Well, I ended up leaving work at 11:30 and I managed to get to the store for 1. What made me change my mind? I spoke to Lawrence and a friend from school last night, and I got a hug from mom....my support group came through again and I felt better. I guess I'll elaborate in a different post.

I got to the store at 1 to find a packed MPRC. I immediately felt shyness wash over me. Upon first glance, the only familiar face was Ash. It comforted me to see him. The bus ride down, I tried to wrestle my thoughts away from anything negative. I then saw Fabiola and felt better. I recognized a number of the level 3s but didn't really say anything to them. I don't really know them. I did say hi to Linda when she came in shortly after Lawrence. I stayed in the corner of the MPRC. My shield was up. Lawrence said he felt it. The place was crowded and filled with mostly strangers. I'm generally very shy around strangers. We waited a long while while th teachers set up upstairs. The longer I waited, the more restless I felt. Scanning the lastest issue of WynterGreene really didn't help. This issue is about predators within the community and sex in Paganism. Big reminder....I found myself struggling not to think about the situation that still causes me grief and generally ended up feeling tired and drained. I love how fabiola always seems to give hugs at the right moment. She came and give me a nice warm hug at some point and I felt a bit more comfortable. Fabiola's hugs always seem to do that....make me feel comfortable, warm, fuzzy, and wanted.

The rite must have started at around, 2. We all filed into the room and thus began our rite for Imbolc and the graduation of certain CMS students. Once we stood in circle, I was amazed to see all the new faces. I was amazed to see how big our group was. It's definitely nice to see that the school is growing. There were even new Level 1 students present, wanting to check out the rite. Autumn welcomed everybody to the Circle as she usually does and I genuinely did feel welcome. Autumn has a certain way with words. Her words are powerful, meaningful, and sincere. Then, the Level 3s contributed to the rite by casting circle and calling the quarters. It was definitely nice to see and hear. All called quarters in their own ways and it was great to see how each individual did it. The words were definitely spoken from the heart, as they should be. As I watched and listened to them call the quarters, I realized that it will soon be me up there, calling a quarter. I'm going to work hard to finish level 2 and hopefully graduate at Litha or Lughnassadh (I don't remember when the second grad takes place). I noticed that all my emotional baggage was left at the door and was not with me as we began rite. I felt more focused as circle was cast and soon felt completed involved in rite. It was easier to ground and center with my head temporarily uncluttered.

Next came the handing out of Level 1 certificates and the Level 2 grads' journey into the elemental realm. I was intrigued. I remembered the last grad and the level 2 grads being blindfolded and led into the woods. This time, they were led into the other room. Who knows what went on? I will soon enough. :) When the other students went into the other room, Autumn had us get comfortable and she led us through a meditation. I was in my scared place.....the place that brings me comfort. It was a small forest glade....big, tall, ancient trees rose up to the sky and encircled me....protecting me. All was quiet. All was safe. All was peaceful. I sat on the grass in front of a small pool of water. I felt grounded....centered. I felt safe. And then there was a box in front of me. A small wooden box with a gold latch. The box was plain. Not decorated. It's like the plain boxes you can buy at the Dollar store to paint yourself. It was empty. I looked deep inside and found what has been holding me back. Guilt. My feelings were so intense, I started to cry. The tears streamed down my face as I tried to rip it out and put all the guilt into my box. I've been trying to fight the feelings of guilt. My esbat rite with my Pagan Club friends helped a lot to heal, but the guilt remained. It's one of the things that has been terrorizing me lately. It's been bringing me down, making me feel bad about myself. It's what's been stopping me from being happy, from being positive and hopeful. So I placed this guilt and the pain and suffering that goes along with it into my box. I closed my box, determined to keep the contents inside and not let it get back at me. And then there was a stone bridge in front of me. It led over my little pool and into the woods ahead. I got up and walked over my solid stone bridge. There were animals on the other side. They peeked out from behind tree trunks, curious to see me passing by. I remember seeing a deer, a squirrel, a rabbit. I saw a wolf. I tried to find my power animal. I couldn't. I kept walking down this light path. Suddenly, a panda popped up. Funny to see a panda amongst the other woodland animals. I saw a panda cub running my way and frolicking with his mom. I kept walking and heard a clinking, metallic sound up ahead. I kept walking until I found myself face to face with the goddess Brigid. She was young, with red hair. She was standing next to an open forge with hammer in hand. What struck me was her face. Normally when I go through guided meditations, if I ever encounter a goddess, Her face is usually familiar. Her face usually resembles a woman I know. For instance, when I did a meditation at the full moon to visit the Mother, I saw her as my god mother. This time, Brigid's features were distinct and clear in mind. But I have never seen her before. Now that i try to picture her once clear face, I can't. I met Sister Brigid, and she transformed my guilt and pain and suffering right before my eyes. Before being guided to see the transformed obstacle as a key, I saw it as a sword. For strength and courage. And then it was a key. The key to my happiness. The key that will take me to the next step. The key containing everything I'd need to move on: strength, hope, courage, confidence, faith. I thanked my Sister for her kind and inspiring words and then found myself back in my comfortable spot, my forest glade. And my key melted into me, along with all the strength, hope, courage, confidence and faith I'd need to carry on. It was done.

I came out of my meditation feeling peaceful and more whole. But I began to wonder how long it would last. Doubt started to creep back into my mind. Circle was closed, the quarters released and feast began. We wished everyone else a happy Imbolc and began to partake of the wonderful food to help us ground and bring us together. It was nice. I was sure to thank Autumn for the wonderful meditation. I needed it. As I watched everyone eat and enjoy themselves, I started to feel a bit more comfortable with the idea of starting level 2B with strangers. For awhile I was nervous. I wasn't sure how I'd do with strangers, how I'd be able to open up. I spoke with some of them and felt better. I think we'll be fine. :) Hopefully Lawrence will continue with Fabiola and I. I feel like we're a team.

After feasting, I headed downstairs to pick up some supplies for the candle magic I wanted to do. Three weeks waiting for test results is going to drive me mad. Last night, i felt faithless and hopeless. I despaired. My support group helped me bring myself out of my despair. By the end of the night, i had set up my altar for the magic I wanted to perform. I need something to believe in. I need to believe Paul and I will be safe. I need to believe my results will be negative for HIV. By the end of the night, I was determined to make it so. With the Gods' help. My faith was restored. I bought a candle magic book by Patricia Telesco, 4 candles, and some anointing oil. I bought a red candle for Strength, Courage, Physical Health, and Life. I bought a blue candle for Peace, Patience, and Healing. I bought a white candle for Hope and Faith. And I bought a black candle to banish negativity. In all these candles, i will pour my hope for physical health for both Paul and I. And I will charge them with peace, patience, healing, hope, faith, courage, strength, life and the repulsion of negativity, all to help us get through the next 3 weeks. Tonight I will start.

Talking after the rite made me realize that my meditation had worked. My fear and pain and guilt are fading into oblivion. It seems to have been replaced by strength, courage, and confidence.

Blessed Imbolc to everyone. May Brigid transform all your obstacles into strength as She has for me. May you find happiness and fulfillment. May you overcome all obstacles that face you.

2004-01-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's class was intense. It was an energy work class and before class I was worried I wouldn't do too well. I was incredibly tired. I had only slept 3 hours that night and had to get up early to go to work. The whole day I felt tired and drained.

Before class, I was walking around downtown looking for material for my Book of Shadows. The cardboard Marisa gave me was too small so I bought so more from Omer Deserres. Then, I had decided to look for some fabric for my cover. I had originally bought some really nice blue paper from Omer but I decided to use it for the inside covers. If I use it to cover the cover and then it gets wet... so I am going to do what I originally intended and look for some deep blue velvet. Luckily, the fabric stores are having sales. After I had decided to use fabric, I had to decide on paper for my pages. I bought nice calligraphy paper the other day and I have already bound most of it. But the package only comes with 50 sheets. It cost me $11 dollars for one package. Since I will be covering my book with nice fabric and intend on making it all nice, I should make sure I have a lot of pages. It would cost me too much to make a nice thick book with the calligraphy paper. I originally chose that paper because I had intended on writing in my book with calligraphy pen and I wanted paper that wouldn't let the ink run through. So I then had to look for another type of paper to use. I'd need a nice stack of paper that the ink won't go through. Fine. Then I had the dilemma of whether or not I should get lined or ulined paper. The calligraphy paper had no lines and was too thick to put a lined sheet underneath to follow. I can't write straight so I was worried my writing would not look straight on my nice paper. So I thought of finding nice lined paper. But then i thought about putting drawing in my book and lines would look funny. So I was all frustrated. I went to this dollar store that had these spiral bound books with nice lined paper for $4 each. If I get 5, they would make a nice thick book. But I was worried about the lines. I want my book to be perfect. I went to class still frustrated. During break, I decided to get the lined paper because it was nice, thick enough, and would keep my wriring neat. I decided if I had drawings, to draw on regular white paper, cut them out, and then glue them in my book. So next time I'm downtown, I have to go back to that store and buy 5 books. The other papers I've already bound will be used for 2B's Herbal Grimoire. Decisions, decisions! :)

So class was intense. We were making energy balls, multitasking with energy balls, making energy balls at our centers, making shields, and casting circles. Throughout class, I think I did pretty well though there were times I struggled to concentrate. I felt pretty weak and I used lots of energy to do the exercises. I managed. I was very tired. I hoping Scarlet would give me some sort of feedback because though I knew I was doing what I was told, I felt like my energy balls wavered and everything was moderately strong due to my lack of energy. I drew energy up from the earth and it helped, but it was still a lot of work. I am extremely pleased with my circle casting. My palm chakras were way open and I could feel my energy strongly. I casted a circle around me and when I was inside, put my hands up and tested it. My hands were throbbing with the energy. It was pretty strong and I was surprised. In the past, when I physically felt energy with my hands, it was incredibly weak and the feelin on my hands was always a slight pressure. This time, it was really strong. And when I stepped out of my circle, I still felt as if I was standing on the fringe of something. I think class was a success and I feel more confident in my energy work.

Last night, before I went to bed, i decided to practice a little. I wanted to practice making and playing with energy balls because in class, I felt they were weak. So I grounded and centered and then proceeded in making my ball. WOW! Last night was incredible! I made these balls that were so packed with energy. They felt SO solid. I've never made energy balls that solid before. Before, when I tried to hold it in one hand, I always felt it fading. This time, I did it with ease and even split it in two and held one ball in each hand. They were still very solid and strong and my hands almost hurt because of the energy at times. Then I merged them and played with the one ball more. I rolled it around in my hand and it still felt firm. My hands were almost vibrating from the energy. I played around with my ball for awhile, splitting it and then merging the pieces, rolling it, and filling it more. And then I filled it with happiness, joy, and healing and then sent it off. Yay me!

2004-01-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

(Same entry I wrote in LiveJournal)

My up north getaway:

I had a great time up north. :) Lots of fun. And we got a lot done. I went with Winnie and Steph. It was supposed to be a Pagan getaway. The girls had put together rites and I had a lot of Pagan Club business to take care of. We got all that we wanted to do done and more. I am incredibly pleased.

We left Sunday at 1 after buying almost $100 worth of groceries. We'd be there for 4 days and 3 nights. It took about an hour and a half to get up to Winnie's cottage which is a bit past Morin Heights and we spent the afternoon settling in and taking care of Pagan Club business. We got A LOT done in little time. I was surprised. Steph and Winnie are both my VPs. They definitely deserve it. They are both serious and have a lot of ideas. It's a lot of fun and a real pleasure working with them. We figured out our plans for the whole semester, planning out all our meetings for the entire semester. It's great. We have a whole scheudle and I even suggested we go on a field trip in May to the botanical gardens. I am so excited. They are too. We have so many plans for the semester and we're not letting anything stop us from learning and sharing our knowledge.

Monday, Winnie did a simple rite outdoors near this beautiful stream. She did a simple protection rite for the new year. We walked a lot outside. Winnie's dog came along so we walked with him outside. The stream Winnie led us to was gorgeous! I can't wait till the summer when we can sit on the banks and meditate. The area is so peaceful and quiet. We lsitened to music, played cards, ate well, had fun. We also did some execrises that Steph's aunt Hooly had assigned us. It had a lot to do with energy. We practice expanding and pulling in our auras, cleaned eachothers' auras, ran energy. We did a lot. We practiced a lot.

Tuesday was a lazy day. We sat around and read our own books, cleaned auras for the next day's rite, cleaned up for the rite. I collected pure stream water to bring home. It's crystal clear in my cleaned sphagetti sauce jar. I will use it here for my own rites. We answered a whole bunch of energy-related questions assigned by Holly and also a couple of astrology-related questions. I do not know much about astrology. I think it is time I start reading. :)

Wednesday we were up early to do Steph's healing and esbat rite. It was great. I feel really comfortable working with Steph and Winnie in rite. We plan on doing more rite together. Steph was the circle leader because she was the one that wrote up the rite. We had to write down on a piece of paper something we were wiling to let go and have healed. It was to be used in the rite. I wrote that I wanted the pain caused by Creepy healed and the guilt I feel because of the whole incident to go away. I feel that these negative energies are really holding me back from doing what I want to do. I'm sick of it all and how the incident still makes me feel. I was willing to let it go. We asked the Lord and Lady to fulfill our wishes and we dumped our paper requests into the stream after the rite. Steph also led us through a Mother Goddess meditation. I met Her and sat with Her awhile. She told me a lot of things to help me further my healing. She told me things I already knew, things that needed t be repeated. It was a wonderful meditation. I feel I really connected with the Lady. My part of the rite was to read the Charge. I think I did it well because I felt the words resonated inside. It took us about 2 hours to complete the rite from the time Steph started to the time we got back from sending our requests to the Goddess. I am extremely pleased with the esbat/healing rite. I immediately felt more confident, more relaxed, more sure of myself. I felt much better.

That afternoon, before we returned from the stream, we stopped and talked to trees. It was another exercise assigned to us by Holly. My tree didn't speak much. Instead, he diverted my attention to certain places and images briefly appeared in my mind. He showed me peace and quiet. He showed me stability. He showed me the small joys in the birds that jumped up his branches in the summer time, and diverted my attention to the rushing sound of the water. He showed me how nature could help me heal. I was very thankful and I told him i'd return to talk to him in the spring time. We will go back again and I look forward to it.

My experience was fantastic. It was a very productive trip and I think I needed to get back to nature. The full moon shone bright in the cold, dark sky as we left. She was beautiful. She led us home safe and sound.

2004-01-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

Another great class today. We learned about the Book of Shadows and learned to bind books. It was really fun and interesting. I can't wait to make my Book of Shadows series. Yep...series. I plan on dividing my Book into many smaller books. It's easier to keep track of everything that way. It'll be my Library of Shadows. Teehee. Scarlet has a book on other ways to bind books. I think I may buy that from her next week. It looks incredibly interesting and I like the idea of making my own books instead of buying them. It's much more fun and this way, my own personal energies are infused in them.

So class was fun. I look forward to next class when we will be doing more energy work. I'll have lots of practice till then, so I should be well prepared. But I have to go and pack now. It's midnight and I have to clean my room and make sure I have all the books I need to bring up with me. :)

2004-01-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

New beginnings are everywhere......I am amazed.

New beginnings with Paul.....the flame of love rekindled....new beginnings with the Pagan Club....a fellowship of seekers.....of friends.......a new beginning for me on my path...I can see it now. I just told Lawrence that the Book of Shadows we are making tommorrow in class will not be my Book of Shadows, but my Book of all the things that are me. No more words from other sources....it's all me...all my beliefs....all the things that make up my own unique path. It's going to be called "Isilien's Mirror".....after Galadriel's mirror. It is a reflection of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. :)

New beginnings....I finally understand. :)

2004-01-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

My problem is...I am looking for a name..a label...something to call myself. "Pagan" is too vague.....I am looking for a name...something to which I can belong....I don't want to be alone on my path....so I try to find the group that I belong to....but I can't...and it's frustrating...and it is what makes me wonder if I belong anywhere. These feelings tie in with wanting to find a group to belong to also because I need some sort of direction. Some sort of guidelines to follow. Some sort of structure. Doing what feels right is good and all...but it's too open. Ack....

2004-01-02T18:38:00.000-08:00

I'm really starting to think Wicca is not the path for me......I guess it all started after the incident with Creepy. What happened really turned me off from it...even though I shouldn't have. But it did. I was disgusted with what happened. Disgusted that a Creep found a way to use what I believe in against me. I've strayed from the path since then.

Today my feelings have been confirmed. A woman I know has started up a school. Horn and Crescent. It's a school of Wicca. I thought I might take part in the lessons as a supplement to my CMS classes. The age required is 21. I asked if I could take part at 20. I'm not allowed. But when it was explained to me.....I don't think Wicca is for me. It is not the Pagan path suitable for me. I can't make it less ceremonial.....because then it is not Wicca. I am Pagan. But not Wiccan. I think I finally understand. But now, where do I find instruction? I'm lost again. I have also started to think i should stop trying to FIND a path to follow and just follow MY OWN path. Learn techniques and base information...but in the end, do what I think is best...what I am comfortable with. Nevermind what others do...nevermind what others think is right....whatever I do is right for me....whatever I do, the Gods will appreciate.

Quoting from the letter I wrote Autumn:
"What do I want? Happiness. Inner strength. I want to get to the point where these stupid flashbacks don't phase me anymore. I want to be really confident in myself and my abililities. I want to be mature enough to be able to speak to my parents about my relationship with Paul and somehow come to some sort of understanding. I want to be at a certain point in my studies. I want to be LIVING wicca. I watch the LotR and wish I were and elf, living close to the earth. I wish I was in that time, where honor, and loyalty, friendship, love, and all those good things are the ways of life. I don't want all the ceremony of some trads of wicca. I want to be more natural. Natural magic. Herbalism, aromatherapy, energy work. That's my path. I want to teach and help people. I want to LIVE wicca. And I'm not there yet. There's so much I don't understand...so much that my books are not helping me with. "

So here I am...searching again......it's frustrating....but I know somehow I will make it. Somehow I will find my way.

I am glad to go away this weekend with my friends. There's a lot to do. The girls are coming up with rite. We will be doing A LOT of exercises thanks to CMS class and Holly. We're going to bond and work though everything together. I want to put together my own little rite to cleanse the Club and bless us at the start of a new semester. It'll be great.

It's hard on a path like this.....wanting someone...anyone to point me in the right way...to tell me where to go. But no one can...no one but myself knows the right path for me. I despair and think I am getting nowhere....but really....it's times like these...when I come to certain realizations...that I am progress on my path...it's times like these that are actually pointing me in the right direction. And when I think about it, I am encouraged.

Thanks to everyone who have helped me thusfar. :) I realy appreciate it.

2003-12-31T11:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I wrote a long letter to Autumn, one I had been meaning to write for a long while. After the whole hospital incident, I didn't talk to her much. I was too busy trying to pull myself together. And as time went on I found I had a lot to tell her but I never really had the chance. So last night I wrote her a long email talking about what's been going on and all....it's the new year and I wanted to get all that crud off my chest before we dive into 2004. I feel better. :)

2003-12-14T08:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's class was great! I did good! I was way nervous because I didn't know how I'd fare. But I did good! Yay me! I was able to successfully drain and charge my acorn. And as a group, we identified the stones that were either not stones at all or modified. I was particularly pleased with myself for the charging of draining of my acorn. I wasn't sure how to do it, so when draining, I tried to feel the energy of my acorn and I imagined it going through my arm, through my body, and down into the earth. My connection to the earth was strong yesterday. I could feel the exchange of energy in my feet. It was pretty cool. After awhile, i didn't feel the pulsing of my acorn and thought it drained. I was prtty close. Scarlet said their was a bit of residual energy left and so I continued to drain it. And I did! Then, I reversed the process. I felt the energy coming up from the ground, filling my body, and then coursing down my arm into my object and I continued to do that until i could feel the pusling again. And then when I felt comfortable enough with my object, gave it to Scarlet to check. On my first attempt, I had overfilled it and some energy slipped out. So I had a little more to fill. And I did! I was extremely pleased with myself. The last thing we did was create energy balls and then reabsorp them. It was pretty cool because my ball almost felt solid. And then I brought my hands together and reabsorped my energy.

Class was un but tiring. On my way home, I was famished. Thank goodness for our Christmas meal with family last night. It filled me up and replenished my energy very well. :)

2003-12-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in awhile. Mainly because I write all my insignificant rantings n my other journal. This one is reserved for my spiritual rantings.

So yesterday I went to the Melange with Lawrence way early to start reading Women's Mysteries. I got maybe 60 pages into the book and then had to put it down. All of the psychological bable totally went right over my head. A lot of the information about the customs of past cultures....I got that....but as soon as the author went on to describe the psychology of it all....wow.....my eyes crossed and my mind stopped registering. I'll have to try and pick it up another day. The information is great, don't get me wrong. It's interesting to se how similar the different cultures were in their beliefs and interpretations. It was also easy to relate to the whole idea of women trying to reconnect with their femininity and how hard it is nowadays since women struggle with being feminine and masculine at the same time. By feminine and masculine, I am referring to qualities, I guess. Logical and rational versus abstract and irrational. You know? Women are naturally intuitive and emotional but they try to be rational and logical in some aspects of their lives to acheive certain goals such as making it in their career of choice. Ack. I'm all confused. It's not an easy thing to talk about.....gender roles that is. I think I will write me gender roles paper tonight and try to figure all this out in my head.

Later on, I met Scarlet for an energy work tutorial. Prior to meeting her, I had a long talk with lawrence about energy work and my concerns. The night before, I had been practicing seing my aura, grounding and centering, and I did it! I saw my aura change from a blue to a bluish green. Sometimes the white cardboard I held behind my hand would turn completely blue as I saw the layers of my aura. I grounded and centered and did my relaxation exercise with no problem and felt so connected, stable, and comfortable. So I KNOW I can do it. I have before. My problem last class was not being able to understand what I was being told to do. As Scarlet told us, the English languages does not have enough words to really describe what it was she was trying to describe. I didn't know what "feel" meant. I did things my way, but then started to doubt myself, looking for some sort of "feeling" and not finding anything. It's hard to explain but....I got extremely frustrated, ost focus and got a headache from trying to focus too much. I didn't accomplish much last class. I got even more discouraged as I listenined to everyone else's experiences. I did not feel the same things. But then again, nobody feels the same way. Still, I was comparing myself, who couldn't feel "anything" to everyone else who had experiences to share. Bad Kelly! I know I shouldn't do that. I should be concerned with myself and myself only. So yeah....I was extremely frustrated with the class.

When I went to Steph's house Wednesday afternoon to talk with her and Fred about our upcoming getaway, I spoke with Holy (Steph's aunt) about my frustrations and she helped me. We did these extremely simple exercises and I felt my energy. It was encouraging and it renewed my faith in myself. I KNOW I can feel energy. She also gave me an acorn from France and told me it would help me ground. I was extremely grateful. When we go up to Fred's cottage January 4-6th, we will be doing a lot of energy work. We'll be exchanging a lot of info. Holly has already taught the two girls a lot of exercises and they are going to hlp me. And I know a lot of stuff that could be useful to them so. It's going to be really fun. We'll be up in the snow....in the woods....for 3 days. And apparently, there's this stream that never freezes over that has clean, crisp water. I think I may bottle some and bring some back with me. I will also be looking for a nice stick to bring back as the handle for my besom which I have yet to make.

So yesterday's tutorial went well. I think I made some progress. And I was able to sense Scarlet's shield. It was pretty cool. It was really neat to feel the energy on my hands. It started off tingly, and then felt like waves up and down, and then eventually, I felt a solid surface. I was proud. And I was able to almost accurately read the energy of 4 things: an acorn, a plushie, Kuan Yin, and the public altar. So with more practice, i think I will be ready for this week's class.

When I've been centering, I've always felt this tightness in my chest. Both Scarlet and Lawrence say it's stuff I have yet to deal with. I think they're right. The tightness always bothered me. I felt last class. I felt it yesterday. It was uncomfortable and distracting. Scarlet told me to just try and forget about that tension, try and relax. Once I did, it faded and I felt a warm, coolness in my center. It was a warm fuzzy, but slightly cool.

When I ground, I used to try and imagine myself as a tress, and a single strong root going from me to the center of the earth. I used to half to visualize the root going through the different layers of the earth till it hit the core. It has worked, but I find it takes way too long. So now, I find my center, inhale, and as I exhale, kinda imaine a big "whoosh" and somehow push down. Then I usually feel stable, secure, relaxed and comfortable. That's when I know I am grounded. I discovered all of this yesterday as I came to realize that I HAVE been feeling energy, grounding and centering. I just didn't realize it. I was always looking for some sort of strong "feeling" and since I never felt that feeling, thought I wasn't doing it right. but I have been doing it right. I know that now. And now I am much more confident about working with energy.

Yay me!

2003-11-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's class....very informative.....uncomfortable at times.....but all 'round jolly good fun.

Uncomfortable you ask? Why yes my dears.....the whole sexuality and paganism thing. Bad experience there. Need I say more? But I sat through it all and toughed it out. Why be afraid anymore? It was a learning experience. Nothing more. But I do hope that creep rots in hell.....even though I don't believe in hell......ack...well I hope he gets what's coming to him....and he deserves a helluva lot more than I can imagine.

So......

I don't have much time to write now. But a brief look at what will be written tommorrow:

-Response to When, Why, If.... which I finally finished yesterday on the bus going downtown to class.
-Response to Religion/Sex lists

Tata for now.....

Oh wait. BTW, this journal is now, solely, for my CMS, spiritual path work. I've created a separate journal at LiveJournal for all my insignificant daily rantings. The link is on the side.

2003-11-28T06:57:00.000-08:00

And now, a quiz:

As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of "What
If's".

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wow...how true is that? It's so me, it's not even funny. ^-^

2003-11-28T06:30:00.000-08:00

Ack......semester is ending...lots of work......tests....projects.....assignments....and then there's all the cms stuff........someone shoot me now. I can feel my stress level skyrocketing.

2003-11-25T06:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html#borderline

2003-11-25T06:10:00.000-08:00

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html

Wow.....even the bloody test says I'm uber borderline and dependent. Joy.

2003-11-23T13:31:00.000-08:00

My kitty is gone. I went back to my place and found her missng. I bet the stupid landlady opened the door and she ran out. She could have at least left a note saying she did that. But then again, she's a bitch so....I'm sad. I don't know what to do. I hope someone finds her. I'll most likely make some posters and hope someone finds her. Then, I can find her a proper home. I really hope she's ok. It's going to get colder....

Well.....here's the scoop regarding my search for my goddess......here are the clues:
-I've always loved the moon...I want to explore the moon and its cycles and see how they affect my life....I want to work with the moon's energies
-my new name Isilien is Quenya (the language of Tolkien's high elves) for "daughter of the moon"; a name I put together myself: Isil: moon, -ien: daughter of
-I feel connected to some sort of woodland deity. the woods are a sanctuary to me...a shelter.....peaceful......
-I am looking for a magical element....someone who is associated with magic
-i have always had a fascination with Greco-Roman times
-Lawrence says I have to look into my roots...I feel no connection to China....I can't connect with any of China's deities.....I am Canadian. I am second generation Canadian. My dad was born in Hong Kong, and my mom, though Chinese, was born and raised here. I was raised to be completely Canadian. My values are Canadian, my way of life is Canadian. Canada was founded by Europeans. Western civilization pretty much began in Greece and Rome.
-i have for the longest time, felt connected to Artemis. I love the warrior, one-in-herself aspect of her. In high school, i joined an online clan of women Amazons called Spirit Amazon and eventually became the leader of one of Spirit Amazon's sub tribes. The amazons felt a particular affinity to Artemis.
-My name: kelly is irish for "warrior woman"
-I long to be part of a sisterhood of some sort...whether it be of close friends, or a women's circle....or something.....Artemis had wood nymphs to keep her company and to roam the woods with her
-i want kids....artemis is patronness of childbirth

Conclusion....well....duh! Diana. Diana incorporates all of Artemis' associations, however has a couple of her own. She is also, in Italian beliefs, Queen of Witches, skilled in magic. The Charge of the Goddess from Leland's Gospel of the Witches and later expanded upon by Doreen Valiente, well those were supposed to be words of Diana, passed down to her daughter Aradia who she sent to earth to teach and enlighten. Hmmm........I think I've found her. :) I will have to meditate on this.

2003-11-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

RELIGION: mainstream, christianity, islam, judaism, big 3, strict, dogma, dead set in their ways, my way or the highway, heresy, fight against heresy, beliefs, choice, lack of choice, freedom, lack of freedom, death, war, hatred, massacre, control, life, moral codes, ethics, values, lessons, sacred texts, salvation, comfort, societal code of conduct, conservative, liberal, pagan, heathen, good, evil, right, wrong, leaders, corruption, ideals, converting, limitations, expectations

SEX: pleasure, procreation, sinful, tempting, lust, desire, love, union, physical, spiritual, emotional, rape, control, dominance, submissiveness, caution, making love, f**king, taboo, shameful, choice, sexual preference, attachment or lack there of, orgasm, secret

2003-11-22T18:26:00.000-08:00

I'm all upset. I can't find anyone t take Penelope. Wah!!! I don't want to bring her to the SPCA.....I want to find her a good home. Maybe it would have been better if I stayed where I was...at least then I could keep her. She's my buddy. My little baby....my companion. She kept me company when i was alone in my apartment.....it's devastating me hthinking about finding her a new home. I dont know what to do. She's all by herself in my near empty apartment. I go and check up on her every couple of days....but I have to be out by December 1st....what am I going to do?

There were only three of us in class today. I had no idea what we'd be doing....I thought perhaps we'd relax and do some energy work....nope! We talked about gender and gender rols and started to talk about sexuality. It was definitely a thinking class. i was not prepared and found myself trying to get in to "thinking mode". My thoughts were disconnected and whenever I started on a thought, I'd qickly lose it. I guess that's what happens when you miss class and get out of the academic routine. But it was a great class nonetheless. It was a lot of brainstorming. It's very frustrating talking about gender roles because much of what society attributes to male and female is totally unfair and untrue. Some of the attributes apply to both genders. Much of the attributes were opposites and extremes. It's crazy. The labels.....as a woman I am insulted....all women should be insulted.....some of the things we came up with...such as weak, sinful, frivolous, submissive, negative, and polluted.....excuse me? I don't think so. I hate that there are restrictions and limitations on my gender because of society.....limitations in terms of careers......double standards everywhere......argh.

All in all......we learned that balance is key. You can't have the "male" aspects without the "female" aspects. They complete one another. Yin and yang. And they can help eachother grow. Finding the anima or animus within.

We started to talk about sexuality. We had to write down words that came to mind for "heterosexual", "homosexual", and "bisexual". Here are my observations:

-there are more words in the "homosexual" column then there are in the other two.
-much of the words in the "homosexual" were negative and very crude...i felt very uncomfortable when I had to write them down
-seems that bisexuality is more accepted than homosexuality
-there seems to be more freedom as a bisexual than a homosexual because it is more accepted than homosexuality
-bisexuality=sexual freedom. From the terms we listed, it seems as though bisexuality is the ultimate sexual preference. "best of both worlds", "freedom".....there seems to be much more pleasure found in the bisexual scene "swingers club, after hours"
-much of what was listed in the "heterosexual" column are things that society sees as "normal"...socially acceptable.....i.e. marriage, commitment, family, kids,...the other two are seen as "unnatural". heterosexuality is religiously accepted (mainstream)
-much of the words listed in the "homosexual" and "bisexual" columns are adjectives and labels....while the majority of the words listed in the Hetero column are nouns.
-one of the only positive terms found in the homo column is "pride". Amid all the negativity, there are still some people who are proud of who and what they are and fight for their rights.

that's it for now...i will write more as they come

2003-11-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

More links to bookmark:

http://members.bellatlantic.net/~vze33gpz/myth.html

Clues from Lawrence:

ishkore-dome
jingo
kn-sgni

2003-11-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...
http://wicca.timerift.net/gods/diana.html

Diana.......not only encompasses Artemis' aspects.....but also aspects such as the Moon, and Magic based on the Italian Diana.

2003-11-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

VILA OF THE FOREST Slavic Goddess, a guardian of the forest animals and plants, Vila was a shape-shifter and might be a swan, horse, snake, falcon or whirlwind. Born on a day of misty rain, she was a winged Goddess whose dress shimmered in the dappled light of the deep forest where she lived. She had a profound knowledge of herbal healing and protected the purity of streams. If anyone brought harm to her creatures, she would cause great harm to them in turn; perhaps they would be caught in an avalanche or earthquake.
http://www.gotojassminesitenow.com/goddesses/vila.html

2003-11-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

I found a great page on how to connect with dryads and trees. It's most interesting....more along the lines of what i would like to do. Again, I hope to do more natural magic.....work with the elements outdors.....study herbalism......interact with the spirits of nature. I feel like that is my path......Now all I have to do.....is find a way of getting there.

2003-11-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

I was telling Lawrence yesterday that I am mucho frustrated. Why? Well.....I feel.....disconnected from my deities. I've felt it before. There's this woodland goddess that calls out to me. I don't know how. But whenever I think about the woods and nature my heart feels home. Don't get me wrong. Isis, Odin, Artemis, and Freya are special to me. But I feel like something is missing. Artemis isn't exactly my mysterious woodland goddess. She's a bit too....well....aggressive I guess. I'm frustrated because this isn't the first time I've felt her presence. I feel like not knowing her is what makes me feel so stuck and disconnected. Lawrence is bringing me his goddess book tommorrow so I can look through it and maybe find my mystery goddess. I hope she will make herself known to me soon. Perhaps in my dreams or in a meditation.

I am going to find more about Dryads.......perhaps I will find something there.

Nothing new today. More annoying bus problems.

2003-11-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

I hate it when i lapse into these depressing moods....i always come out of it....but i hate it when it happens......i think so low of myself....hopeless.....i despair......but then something clicks and i am back in my right mind. i wish i was always in my right mind. i am getting there. i know it. my counselling is helping....my head seems to be much clearer......i have these goals......i want them so badly....and i have been making the steps to attain them......i'm actually quite proud of myself, come to think of it. wow.....was that confidence? *smiles* see? i am getting better. I am learning to accept my faults and work on them. I am also learning to accept the fact that i DO have some talent. it's been hard. i am my roughest critic. i get so down on myself. i set such high standards andoften get all depressed when i don't do as well as i expected. but i see this now and it's a step to making it better. plus i am also learning to take compliments and listen to them. my program is working on making ties with a school indenmark. they hope to create an exchange program and my teacher told me if i keep working hard the way i have been, there's a strong possibility they will send me. I am uber excited! it's my new goal. i want to travel and see the world. my teachers have confidence in me and it feels great. it feels great to know i am finally good at something. my marks will probably be in the 90s......i am very pleased with this semester. i am off to a good start.

the past little while, i've felt stuck again on my spiritual path. I have spent the past couple of weeks putting my life back together......re-bonding with my family, moving homeand lifting the gigantic financial burden, taking a bit of a break from my boyfriend so we can relax a bit.....settling into school......i've missed so much cms class.....i got frustrated, wonderingwhy some things like crafts and one book could prevent me from moving on....i was tempted to drop my class.......well now i've realized that's a bg mistake. just me making th steps to get better is a gigantic leap on my spiritual path.....major progress on my road to happiness. i AM making progress....more progress than i thought. so now i am determined to catch up and move on. i need my cms class because i need the people......autumn, lawrence, scarlet.....fabiola, marisa, karine, brigitte, claude, ash...these are the people who are going to help me on my spiritual path.....this is anpother one of my support groups......these people really do care about me.....and i care about them. so i will go to class this week......work my ass off....and i will pass this semester....just you wait and see. :)

i am getting stronger......i am actually happy......i will keep it up

2003-11-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

Life is good. I am generally happy. I have a crap load of catching up to do in terms of school work and CMS stuff. I will prevail! Muhahaha! Wow.....Anne Marie, you amuse me to no end. :)

2003-11-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

Muhaha! Thanks Anne Marie! I will be victorious!

What is Your Destiny? by Valcion
Name
Color
Birthday
Destiny	Defeat of your archnemesis
Date when you fufill your destiny	September 13, 2006

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